Friday, February 29, 2008

This and That

Did you get LOST last night? Just when I thought I was getting bored with this season, thinking it's becoming predictable, they threw me a curve ball. Finally. It's the whole reason I like the show-not being able to figure out just where we're going next. The whole Desmond story line was a nice change of pace. It reminded me of the Butterfly Effect oddly enough. The whole conscience traveling through time and when one returns after to many of these trips the person shows signs of brain malfunctioning and bloody noses. All in all though I was pleased to see something a little different. I like the mystery of it.

I mentioned our cds came last Friday. We've been listening to them in the car. They are pretty enjoyable. I find myself singing one of the songs over and over. For some reason it sticks out above all the others. It's so catchy. I listen and think, wow, this is a good scripture I should have them learn this one first, and then when the next song comes on I change my mind. This mornings wowiest(how do ya like that word?) moment was Psalm 37:4-6. I listened to it several times over. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him and He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." It speaks right to the place I've been lately. Feeling like I'm spinning my wheels, wanting to take over the driver seat and git-r-done. Then I'm quietly reminded to simply delight in Him. Oh, how I love Him.

On the home front, I woke up this morning with only a squeak of a voice. I don't feel badly, but I've been fighting something off for the past week. I guess this is the culmination of it all. I shouldn't have even tried to teach this afternoon, but the other moms seemed to be struggling within themselves so I happily went about my duties. I got the kids' attention, told them they had to listen very carefully, and went to work. Not only did they listen, but they responded back in the same whispered tone I was using. I had to remind them to speak up so everyone could hear. One of the young men in particular seemed to want to take special care of me. He's such a delight. He's progressed with his abilities both as a student and as a young man. 10yo did an especially nice piece of artwork today. She took her dear sweet time, even when she was the last one still working and the others were playing.

It started to snow pretty heavily around 2:00. One of the moms wanted to bolt out the door but I reminded her that if she left right then, the roads would not be treated yet and even more slippery. She stayed put and sure enough, before long the state trucks went through and proved my point for me. Despite being treated, it took us almost double the time to get home. It was tempting to move a little faster than 45, but the first accident along the side of the road reminded me to keep it steady. In total we passed 4 wrecks. I'm not looking forward to yet another Friday night home alone, but I don't know how to remedy that. I think we're gonna order a ppv movie and have some salads for dinner.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

these things ....linger.

I posted this a few days ago, then took it down when I felt like too big of a hypocrite. Now, I think I want to put it back up. The words still hang in the air over me. I need to be reminded of them.

It's Not about Me
When I look at my relationships, my lack of fulfillment, my loneliness, my circumstances
My desire to have more, be more, do more
My focus is on me.
me, me, me.
I am reminded time and time again,
when I'm whining to the Lord,
that my life is not about me.
It's not about what I have, or what I don't or what I want or need.
I was put here for His pleasure.
when I live as a being that knows it's purpose,
I am fulfilled.
When I put the focus on me, I am miserable.
So, I climb back up on the cross again. I lay my desires down, and look to Him.
"Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness and (then) all these things will be added to you."

Survey Says!

This post isn't very original, but I thought it may be fun. I found it over at Much Forgiven.

1. First thing you wash in the shower? hair

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? Doesn't really count as a hoodie, it's a brown corduroy zippy

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Of course, probably will have 3-8 more before the day is through.

4.Do you plan outfits? ick, no. I don't have that kinda of time, or inclination.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? peaceful

6. Whats the closest thing to you that's red? a pen

7. Do you say aim or a-i-m? AIM

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
Oooo. It was last night. I dreamed about this friend I used to know. He was watching me dig a ditch outside my parents house (even though it looked like my house.) It was very elaborate with the digging and the sweating and trying to make sure it was deep enough to install some new weird looking part thing. I was doing it cause even though they have a son, he shirks his duty. My friend was just watching me. Then my parents began to tell me about this house some of our other friends used to live in. the people they had bought it from had sold it to someone else who was about to lose it cause they couldn't pay the taxes and didn't i wanna buy it so I could raise all those alpacas I'd been dreaming of? They'd help me pay for it, if I did the work. I said sounds nice, but (laying my hand gently on the friends arm) what does he think? This is puzzling to me, cause in the dream it's not like we were together. It was more like real life where I knew we had crushed on one another but were too polite to ever do anything about it. In the meantime, I'm all dirty and sweaty and we go into the house (which now looks like my childhood home) and I tell my mom and dad my throat is sore and I may be getting a cold. This is after of course the young man in question walks into the other room. They tell me to shhhh. Something's about to happen. I say what? puzzled but know that they mean he's asked their permission to marry me. He comes back around the corner and says, nervously, so he bumbles the words, "My I have your finger in my hand to take a walk?" I chuckle and walk out the front door and suddenly we're walking and talking (which this friend and I had done quite often. We end up at this playground. Suddenly I'm watching someone who doesn't look like me But is supposed to be me (first time I've ever observed myself in a dream.) She (or I rather) and this friend are swinging. I know what he wants to say but doesn't have the courage too and since I have a cold and am shy I walk over to a different set of swings. He looks at me, and looks at her (who represents me) and says finally would you mind coming over here I have something to say. I walk over and sit opposite him on one of those double front to front swings (the kind with the seats on backyard swingsets.) He awkwardly says he loves me and would I marry him and I just kiss him-meanwhile I'm watching this other person that's supposed to be me?) and I'm thinking or maybe I say, but i don't want you to get my cold. It's the first kiss and it's awkward and sloppy. Then suddenly i flash forwards through time and we're kissing again and sitting in a restaurant toasting one another on our one year anniversary. I wonder in the dream how we got there so we're instantly transported again through time and see it all take place. The time frame of the engagement, visiting the house with the alpacas. I saw dogs, and land and so many many details. It was so strange. The whole theme was courtship rather than dating. This guy remained single for a long time (never married yet, but has adopted his brother's kids). I saw him last Christmas with a pretty woman looking at stocking stuffers and smiling his great smile. I guess that's what brought on the dream. I never went to talk to him cause I'm so embarassed about my looks.

9. Did you meet anybody new today? Not yet, but we're going out for groceries soon so there's still time.

10. What are you craving right now? Something home cooked and yummy. comfort food.

12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? sauerkraut

13. When was the last time you talked on aim? last night to my good, good friend. <3

14. Are you emotional? No, not externally anyway.

15. Would you dance to the taco song? hold on I'll Google it....Are you kidding? I started to jiggle around instantly. 8D

16. Have you ever counted to 1,000? yeah, I was such a weird kid.

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? cones no, in a bowl yes.

18. Do you like your hair? Yes, love it, that's why I'm sad that I may have to cut some more of the lenght.

19. Do you like yourself? Not mostly.

20. Have you ever met a celebrity? A few minor ones. Ever heard of Christafari? or DC Talk? Didn't think so.

21. Do you like cottage cheese? with pineapple

22. What are you listening to right now? the sound of chattering kids, "no burritos, just tacos, no" ringing in my head and The Pilgrimage on Itunes. 23

23. How many countries have you visited? 2

24. Are your parents strict? Yes, but I appreciate it now.

25. Would you go sky diving? Oh, Can We?!!

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Of course, especially if he's buying. Then I can add a celebrity to my list.

27. Would you throw potatoes at him? Of course not. He might make some poor decisions but all in all I like the bumbler.

28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? does my smile count?
29. Have you ever been in a castle? no. But take me if you ever get the chance.

30. Do you rent movies often? Redbox.

32. Have you made a prank phone call? I'll never tell.

34. Can you count backwards from 74? who cant?

36. Brown or white eggs? brown

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? barrettes, maybe.

38. Ever been on a train? Yes! I love trains!!!

39. Ever been in love? Just read some more of the posts. duh?

40. Do you have a cell-phone? a nokia

41. Are you too forgiving? Yes. Forgetting is sometimes harder.

42. Do you use chap stick? Burt's Bees please.

43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow? hmmm, what's the right answer for this one?

44. Can you use chop sticks? I am the chopstick queen.

45. Ever have cream puffs? mmmmm, cream puffs.

46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? It's so weird, but I think about that kind of time travel type stuff all the time.

47. What was the last question you asked? Can you please help your sister in the bathroom?

51. Is your hair curly? Only when it's much shorter...What happened to the last 3 questions?

52. Last time you cried? It's been a while. Came close last night.

53. Ever walked into a wall? ????

54. Do looks matter? beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I wish everyone else was blind.

56. Have you ever slapped someone? ...yes....

57. Favorite time of the year? Anytime when it's warm. Spring is great cause I love the new growth. Summer's a blast cause I like it HOT! Autumn is relaxing-up until it starts to turn colder than 60 degrees.

58. Favorite color? I can't choose. Shades of blue and green.

59. Are you sarcastic? not really, okay maybe, sometimes.

60. Do you have any tattoos? Ick No! And I prefer to view the scenery without all the billboards.

61. The last person you held hands with? 4yo.

62. Do you sleep with the TV on? sometimes

64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? I don't think I hate anyone. Dislike a few, distrust a bit more.

65. Do you like your life right now? no.

66. How often do you talk on the phone? not that often.

67. What is your favorite animal? something fluffy

68. What was the most recent thing you bought? Cold medicine and 3 pillows.

69. Do you have good vision? I think,... I don't where glasses anyway.

70. Can you hula hoop? It's been a while.

71. Could you ever forgive a cheater? I don't know...I can be a real doormat.

72. Do you have a job? Domestic Engineer. The pay is terrible, but the benefits are great.

73. Can you handle the truth? Yes please. I hate liars.

74. What are you wearing? jeans, an old t-shirt.

75. Have you ever crawled through a window? Of course! That's some kinda fun!

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I am what I am...

...and that's all I can be. I can only be me, and "do" me. I can't live my life for anyone else, and I can't conform to the expectations of others. Love me, or leave me. What an epiphany. I woke up with such a feeling of relief today. I can't quite exactly put my finger on what brought it, but I have a few ideas. Wow! Only one who has been set free from something can truly understand how good freedom feels.

So today, here is what my geeky, nerdy, anti-mainstream self is going to partake of:
-wash dishes
-climb mount laundry once again
-sing old classic sappy songs and FEEL GOOD while I do it
-sing anything and everything that comes to mind, cause that's just what i do.
-return a few movies, but possible go see my mommy and daddy first and eat dinner with them and watch the last one with them cause I love them and miss them. Call me weird, but I like being connected to my family.
-indulge in the stupidity of American Idol. Why? Because I like to. I like to make fun of the singers, play judge, agree with Simon, and sing along.
-Not worry. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
-go to bed when I'm good and ready. I'm throwing off the guilt of bedtimes and should'a been in bed hours ago. Life is much more fun that way.
-Honor God. Yep. While I'm doing all this, I can still live a life that is hidden in Him. He's so good to me.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Corinthians Love

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I have spent the day thinking about these verses, the perfect definition of love. I learned these verses long ago. After a long night of sticking my foot in my mouth time and time again, these verses have taken on a whole new meaning. It becomes clearer and clearer.

It's amazing to me how capable we are as humans to love. We feel all types of love for many people. We love our children, our parents and family, we love our friends. These types of love are the easiest to process. I never have to question whether or not I love my children, or my parents. I just do. This kind of love just is. The kind of love that is most baffling is the type between man and woman. Romantic love. It has a way of changing and twisting and turning. It has a way of grabbing hold of you and crushing you in it's grip. It gets sweeter with time. It is it's own animal. I've know this kind of love. Each time it's come back to bite me. It changed into something very different. I love my husband but this love has changed and twisted. It was once something and now has become something else. A respect for the father of my children and for who he is as a creation. My heart, however, no longer skips beats to the rhythm of his voice.

Another love is something that gripped me long ago. It grabbed hold of me. It was young and green and therefor restless and perhaps because of it's lack of maturity doomed to fail. This is the one that haunted me. It had been dormant; covered over by the cold of life's harsh winter. While 2dormant, it was still green and immature. It never had enough time to grow strong in the warm light of day. Instead it stood frozen in time until once again it stirred. Popped up into my dreams. Invaded my night time thoughts. I gave light to this love. Took it out of it's little glass box and held it in my hand. I turned it over. Thought of it. Watered it. Gave it light. At first this love stayed young and green. It had not yet bloomed. But time, change and personal growth made it strong. In it's strength it matured. Became sweet. At first bite it had been bitter in my belly. But as I stayed with it, looked at it closely under the magnifying glass and umbrella of God's help I see it for what it is. It is still strong and real as it ever was. But the light, the water and warmth made it content to stay hidden. Changed it even more. This once green bitter love, became a strong root. Friendship. Respect. Something that does not seek its own way or demand to be fed. It's become long suffering, easy to forgive, trusting and content to stay right where it is. In the safety of a friendship. The memory is losing it's bite. The loss becoming numb to it's sting. What once drove me to the brink of madness to understand, is now understood. Knowing it once was, and was real, and happened is enough. Knowing it is still there, real, and alive though changed, is enough. I am now capable of taking it out of it's glass case, and giving it back to the One from where if first came. It is His to tend now. His to keep. And I am free.

Monday, February 25, 2008

When 2 worlds collide

It happened to me yesterday. My two worlds collided; my reality and my dream escape. It made me uncomfortable. I tried to play it cool, but I'm afraid it showed. Today during our long drive home I had more than a minute or two to think it over. It's not a complete thought yet, so bear with me, you may be hearing this all more than once.

In a perfect world there wouldn't be this strained dichotomy. In my perfect world fiction would become fact and my reality a mere memory. Better yet, reality would be erased from even the deepest recesses of my mind. In my perfect world there would be plenty of cuddles, lots of words, and an assurance of love. At least that's what I once thought. Today a new thought sprung into my conscience. If I really had that which I so long for, would it really turn out to be so perfect? Would I appreciate it? Is it better left as a dream?

A few weeks ago someone spoke of a love so moving that they were satisfied just knowing it happened once. I half heartedly agreed thinking that I would rather have it in the here and now rather than as a once upon a time story. It has been at the back of my thoughts, not fully emerging into a full thought until today. I too may be content to live with it as that sweet dream that visits me during the night hours rather being faced with it in the present and find it to be a sham. When it lives only within my dreams, it pierces only me.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Have I told you lately?

Have I mentioned recently how much I love the Prayer Room stream from IHOP? I do. I do, I do, I do. I was listening for hours and hours a day when I was first given the subscription gift. (thanks again. The best gift ever. I love you.) I decided I should probably mix it up a little and started listening to some Elijah streams a little more. This week I've been listening to jazz and blues stuff. That's okay for recreation but doesn't satisfy. It is so refreshing to put on the prayer room and (rewind if I need to) find a set that I like and get swept away. I try to tune in at least once a day, sometimes it's only for a few minutes. Wednesday and today it was a full 2 hour set. Time flew. I got swept away and didnt' even realize it. I put on the headphones and get carried away. The kids play, or work on math (10yo has been so pokey with it lately) or watch one or two of their educational shows.

Friday "Book"

My favorite breakfast of the moment happens to be steel cut oats. Yum. I just had a nice steaming bowlful. Too late to be called breakfast though. Chewy and textured mixed with creamy and hot. Add a little salt and a spoon full of sugar and it's enough to keep me filled for hours. Not only is it filling, but full of fiber and protein. How can you go wrong eating the stuff? 4yo isn't as impressed with it as 10 yo and I. She gets cold cereal instead. Of course, it's not as filling so within an hour she's asking for something else. I try to make her wait until we're all hungry, but that can be painful and difficult for those of us that have to deal with her when she's hungry.

This week has simply flown for me. I look back and feel like we've done very little that's productive, but maybe I need to redefine productive for me. I'm so stuck in the mindset that we're not getting anything accomplished unless we've checked a bunch of lessons off and logged hours and hours of school. It's hard for me to look at things like a day of play with our friends, or spending the day cooking with daddy as productive. I'm such a black and white type thinker. There is little room for gray in my universe. Things either are or aren't. When something falls somewhere in the middle, it is very hard for me to accept it as truth. Living in the gray is like living in the middle of chaos for me. I want and need things to swing back to either black or white. That sense of limbo is more than I can take.

Things here on the home front have been very quiet. A sense of being lulled back to sleep and forgetfulness has taken over once again. Perhaps I shouldn't allow myself to fall into this false comfort, but the known is often so much easier than the unknown. How else could I live the way I have for so long? It's much easier to just live in a place of numbness than to feel the real emotions. Every now and again I start to stir out of the coma and begin to feel the reality, but very quickly I remind myself to fall back to sleep and slip once more into a place of numbness. Again, this is one of those black or white type issues for me. Is it that I'm living with an altered reality, or am I being faithful and steady? I'd like to think that having done all I can do to stand, I simply stand. I wait patiently on the Lord. I wait for his promised deliverance and salvation. Every time I get stirred up, and begin to feel as though I will burst and I begin to cry out to Him, I am reminded of that verse. I'm reminded in prayer when I've poured myself out and come to the place of quietness again. I'm reminded at every turn it seems. Stand. Be firm. Of good cheer. So simple and often so hard. It's easy to become impatient and try to push things along as fast as my finite mind can think. That's when I am reminded once again, that He is infinite. He's seen the end from the very beginning and has a hope and a future for me. He will not leave me, nor forsake me, or fail to bring about help or deliverance for me. What manner of love is this? In Him is stillness, and peace. He has been my rock and my hiding place. He has been the One I look to. The One in whom I trust. He is, so I don't have to be. How comforting to know He is with me. I am not alone.

We are home today, btw, because some of the moms were nervous about the weather. I think they played into all the hype that tv weatherman can sometimes stir up and decided to call a snow day. On one hand I was glad, because I truthfully like to sleep. I don’t' know how else to put it. I often have difficulty settling in, but once I'm in those nice cozy blankets and the sleep fairy has visited, I don’t' like to be wakened until I'm good and ready. One of the kids had a nasty, nasty cold Tuesday and shared the love a bit. I've been fighting off a cold all week. 10yo woke up with a sore throat yesterday. Anyway last night at bedtime, I felt my head getting all foggy and my throat getting sore, so I turned to the trusted benedryl to dry it up. It's the one product that works for me, but it makes me so sleepy. This morning when it was time to get up, it was all I could do to fumble out to the computer to see whether or not the other moms had decided to stay in for the day. I was disappointed we wouldn't be seeing everyone, but relieved that I didn't have to try to think. I stumbled back to bed in hopes of waking up a little more, and instead fell hard back to sleep. It was like I blacked out. What and odd feeling to wake up 2 hours later to realize both kids are up and about and watching tv. Guilty, I stumbled out into the living room and went about the motions of getting the day started. I hate that feeling.

Shortly I need to head out to the post office to mail a work sample. Then I need to get 10yo cranking on some real work. I'm not looking forward to staying in all weekend. I don't know what to do this evening. Tomorrow 10yo has an all day scout trip. "Ain't no sunshine when she's gone." I had really wanted to spend the weekend away at a conference all by myself. Mom and dad said they'd keep the kids and 4yo said she'd even stay with them. I decided last minute to save the hotel money and keep it instead for my private stash. We'll see how the weekend plays out.
Maybe 4yo and I will have some grand adventure somewhere.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Singin the Blues

Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, Nina Simone. Need I say more? Each one unique and yet the same. Feeling. Touching. It cuts to the heart of the emotion and says without words just what I would say.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto

Ever get a song stuck in your mind? Happens to me all the time. Tonight's song is brought to you by Styx. Domo.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

My zazzle for Words

Your Vocabulary Score: A+

Congratulations on your multifarious vocabulary!

You must be quite an erudite person.

You outta know

This blog is simply beautiful. Don't click if you don't enjoy words or being challenged by what you read.


My order from Cbd is still not here. For the past week (or more) I have been meaning to call. For some reason, probably the fact that I hate to make calls to customer service, keep forgetting about it until it's bedtime. Each night I think, oh I'll call tomorrow after I check the mailbox one more time. Finally today, because we were out, I checked the mail during the day and found no packages. I came home and put a call into cbd. Not only did I NOT have to wait for and hour on the phone, I didn't even have to wait a minute, but when the customer service agent picked up, she didn't even question why I hadn't received the order, or why I waited so long to call. She apologized, and upgraded me to UPS ground. Then she asked if I would like it sooner than Monday. Of course I said yes. The kids and I have been checking the mailbox daily waiting for those cd's. How refreshing to get customer service that was actually customer service. She spoke english and was very nice. Cbd is off my 'list.' Go, order and enjoy.

Action Zone

Today our co-op families took the day off from school for a good-time outing to an indoor play place. Tuesdays are BOGO free days. You can't bring in your own food though, so snack bar lunches made up for the price break. The kids ran and played and made new friends. It's funny how many homeschoolers come out of the woodwork when you pay attention. I don't usually look twice when I see school aged children out in public during schooltime, but when they stay for hours you start to notice, and even begin to chat. Whoever says homeschool kids don't get "socialized" and aren't a part of the real word needs a wakeup slap. My children engage daily with the "real" world. Not only do they interact with children their own age, but children older and younger as well as adults of varying ages. They hold their heads up high and look people directly in the eye. This makes a momma proud. No, they may not be confronted with the darker side of life, but why would I want them to be?

Sweet New Year

Yesterday my husband finally celebrated the Lunar New Year with the kids. This is a picture of the candy platter that we always serve. It's kind of a wish for a sweet year to come. These are treats we only enjoy this time of year. We very rarely do much traditional type Chinese foods or traditions. I wish i could have taken a picture of 10yo and I covered in flour making a Fujian dumpling type dish called yampi. The candy was the only picture I was able to snap.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

The Cat's Out

Sort of. Yesterday I admitted to most of the "moms" that I blog. I'm not sure if they'll ever click over here or not, but I feel like I'll have to be more careful from now on. Before I was pretty free in writing exactly what I was thinking without worrying what people thought of me. Now that I now one of them could be reading, I feel a little embarrassed about how open I've been with my thoughts. They don't know me like that. They know me as pretty reserved or careful about what I say and how I say it. I don't know how I can be so completely open with some, and yet so reserved with others. They know me, but not the in's and out's of my thoughts like I sometimes put here. Makes me fee pink in the cheeks.

So Moms if you're reading this please don't lurk. Make your presence known.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Sweet Comic Valentine

My children presented me these Valentines last night. 4yo got the whole thing started when she asked for her art kit. She loved grabbing several colors and making swirls on the page. Then she folded it, and made her own envelope. I love gifts like these.

Meanwhile, 10yo was working away at cutting paper hearts. She cut and cut and cut. Her paper was full of heart cutouts both large and small. I guess seeing all those hearts were her inspiration to do this:

I'm the one that put the black paper behind it so it was more scannable. It's complete with taped windows over the hearts. Of course both of these sweet things are hanging prominantly from the mom's art gallery-the fridge.

Maybe to those of you without children these handmade gifts seem a little lacking. Let me tell you these gifts from the heart mean more to me than 6 dozen roses given out of guilt or obligation. Maybe they aren't Rembrandts, but they are my sweet Valentines and I treasure them dearly.

I had to share this bit of cuteness. Yesterday, after shoveling out the driveway the girls and I took a drive to get us out of the house. We returned a movie to the Redbox kiosk at out grocery. While there 4yo said, "MOMMY! I still haven't bought you your valentine heart. So I took her over the seasonal section, which is in near proximaty to the door and the video kiosk and let her look. She of course when straight for the biggest box of chocolates in her line of vision. She was set on "buying" me a lovely red tin of Ghiradelli squares. Both girls oooohed and ahhhhhed over the selections and were surprised that the Easter items were already out. Finally before heading to checkout, I spied a much smaller heart full of chocolate covered hazelnuts. Yes. She would settle for these. Talk about love. Today she wants to hide the presents so we can all have a Valentines Day hunt. Should be fun.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Snow Buddies

Yesterday we finally had a snow that was more than just a "skiff." I always get excited when we have more than a few inches-unless I have to be out driving long distances, but that's a rare occurance. It happened once about 4 years ago, but I digress.

I only took a few pictures. This one I took last night of the top of my car with the tippy top of the ruler sticking up out of the snow.

Looks can be deceiving. It's only a 6 inch ruler.

These are my snow buddies.
4yo was taking a break from mopping up outside to sit down a snow pile.

10yo sacking out in the driveway after we finished shoveling out.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

More random thoughts

I feel like I have nothing to say today. I'm all worn out from yesterday. Here's a few thoughts to tide you over until I think of something more brilliant.

An ersatz token of love is red roses given at the prompting of a father-in-law 3 days too late.

A winter break is putting on a coat and a pair of boots and frolicking in the freshly fallen snow.

Therapy is talking to someone you love about nothing at all and staring into their eyes.

Oh, for a little therapy.

Monday, February 11, 2008

No water

Today I woke up to one of winter's best gifts-frozen pipes. The pipes inside are okay, but we suspect it's the pipe that comes out of the ground into the house that's frozen. Right now we're hard at work trying to thaw it out. If I can't succeed in thawing it myself, I'll have to call someone else. What a bummer. No water to brush teeth, shower, or flush the toilet. Fun times, let me tell ya.

While outside playing around with the pipes, we discovered that the plug the heat tape was plugged into was shorting. We plugged it in with a different cord and within 20 minutes or so water came shooting through the pipes. PRAISE THE LORD! What a relief we didn't have to call in the pro's.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Smell That?

sniff...sniff.. That's the smell of flesh burning on the altar. I had to put all that anger somewhere. It's too difficult to carry it around. It might spill out at the wrong time. I feel good to be rid of it.

Saturday, February 9, 2008


Pretty much sums up the way I've been feeling today. I am for the most part a happy person. Sad or lonely are more common emotions for me but even they don't often visit. I usually, under normal circumstances, feel pretty optimistic about life. Today I feel about as mean as I get. I feel the kind of mean that lets me smile on the outside, but boil inwardly. I am literally boiling. I think if I blew up at someone or something I would probably feel 100% better, but who am I gonna take it out on? My kids? Don't think so, it's not their fault I feel so badly. I don't have a dog or cat, and am still paying on the car so all those are out too. This is the kind of mean that makes me want a drink. Ahh,... the curse of the Irish. I won't of course succumb to that. I've seen where that road leads. I don't wanna go down it. I guess the mean will just have to wear off like an ugly smudge of ink.

To buy a fat hog..

A few months ago, my dad called telling me they finally found someone to buy half a beef from. They had been looking for several months. Apparently there was a run on beef this year because everywhere they looked had already sold their's or were charging an arm and a leg. When he found a neighbor, a kid I went to highschool with, still had half of a beef that was yet unclaimed, they jumped on the chance. Turns out, the young man also raises pigs and had one available. Perfect. Enough beef and pork to last a year. Daddy wanted to know if I wanted to split the cost. I said sure.

I just got the phone call, our beef and pork have gone to the butcher's. They should be aged, portioned, smoked, cured, and wrapped within the next 2 weeks. Grand total for half a beef and whole hog-$707.00 to the farmer, a little over $200 to the butcher. That works out to $1.10 per pound for the beef (plus .39 to the butcher) and $1.50 for the pork (also plus the .39 to the butcher.) We don't eat much meat. Maybe only 2-3 times a week. How on earth will we ever use it all? I have no idea, but I'm glad to help ease the strain on my mum and dad. Even if they use most of it.

Sewing Seeds

Or why I don't....

I have become a very conservative person. Long ago and far away I was not quite so conservative in my actions. I'm not sure if I have changed my view of right and wrong, or if I have just laid so many things aside for my personal betterment. I lean toward the latter. I do not look upon one who may participate in the things that I don't as a sinner, or even less of a Christian. I have personally chosen to live a life set apart and realize not everyone has come to that same place yet.

The journey began at least 5 years ago. One day I was going about my daily business, living my life the way I did at that time. I was more carefree with the way I spoke, what I watched on TV, and the music I listened to. I don't remember exactly what I was doing at the time, but I do remember what happened next. The scripture that I had memorized as a child came to me.

"Finally, brothers, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Phil. 4:8

It made me stop dead in my tracks. What I was doing did not fall into any of those categories. I noticed I became very aware of this litmus test. Suddenly many of the things I was doing I noticed didn't fall into any of these categories. I stopped most of them. I had a lifestyle change. The television shows changed, my language changed, and the music changed. It wasn't difficult. In fact, I found a real joy in laying them down. His yoke is easy and His burden light. Over the next few years I found myself giving up more and more. It became a natural progression and an outward sign of the heart change I was experiencing on the inside.

Was I living in gross sin? No. I was however sewing to the flesh. We are always sewing seed as we go about our lives. The question is, to what are we sewing-To the Spirit, or to the flesh? The scripture was a reminder to me, to not sew to the flesh. When I began to sew to the Spirit I saw it bear much fruit. My prayer life came alive. I was able to walk with a joy down on the inside, despite the circumstances that surround me. I know too that my choices will not go unrewarded.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. " Matt.6:19-21

Friday, February 8, 2008

Happy UnBirthday to Me

Might as well celebrate something today. It's a supposed to be a special day, but it's just one more that I'm forgotten. I felt good as long as I was with the moms, but now that I'm home, and alone....

Nothing like a forgotten day to make one see how much one is valued. I think i could cry.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

The Best Dream

I just had a very nice dream, so nice in fact it woke me up. That's what I get for going to bed early.

Here's to hoping I can go back to sleep. Maybe I can dream it again?

Random Thought of the Day:

What exactly makes a hamburger dill pickle so delicious? Is it the crinkle cut, the sharp vinegar, or the dill and salt aftertaste? Whatever it is, I like 'em.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Sweet Release

Today I woke up and set about my usual routine. Shower, if I haven’t done it the night before, then shuffle off to the computer and switch on IHOP or Elijah Streams, then click over to Bible Gateway to do a little reading as I listen to some prayer or worship. I do this in an effort to order my day. Lately I've had much difficulty keeping my mind stayed on the Lord. I've been easily bogged down by the cares of day to day life and feeling quite overwhelmed. Thankfully today was a bit different. I turned on IHOP, skipped it back to the beginning of the 2 hour set, put on the headphones, and settled in. I read my Proverb and my Psalms and found myself singing along. This was good. I missed a few of the words so I skipped it back again. I found myself able to join in on the worship. I found myself even enjoying it. As I began to lift my heart in worship I found I was lifted up. I was able to say with all the conviction He derserves, "Lord, I trust you." Oh what a sweet peace to be able to trust fully in Him and to rest in His tender loving care even if only for a moment. I was able to sink further and further into Him and see only Him. What sweet release to look for and find the one for whom my soul longs. Above the noise and the turbulence I want Him. Today I found Him.

Of mixtapes and men

Did you have a mix tape when you were a kid? You know what i mean. A recording of all the songs you wanted to hear that went together. My first mix tape was given to me by my first boyfriend. It was 7th grade, back when love was innocent and the worse thing that could happen as a result of it was detention from a kiss on the cheek. What's funny is that boy and I dated for all of 7th grade and a lot of 8th. I don't even know what happened to him after that. He just kinda disappeared. Anyway, the mix tape was all the 'it'songs for a rock fan of the time. Sorry yall, but I don't remember many of the songs. I was not a rock chick. I was a hip-hopper from way back when it first came on the scene. We're talking Rappers Delight days. Anyway, a friend of my just disclosed that they had a mix tape way back when too. Theirs was one they listened to when they were sad. I had a "cry song" mix tape. That's literally what I labeled it. It was full of the stuff that made me feel weak in the knees and dreamy. It was a wonderful outlet at the time. If only life's problems could still be solved with a mix tape. I could pop it in, sing or cry along, and within 90 minutes be feeling brighter about life. If only life were still that simple. Now the balance of right and wrong weigh on my conscience and sometimes I fear the scale will tip too far one way in a moment and upset all the beautiful castles I've built for myself.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Get here Already

I place that order for the Seeds cd's Jan. 16th. It is now nearly 3 weeks later and they have yet to arrive. I am officially done being patient. I keep tracking the order and it has said in progress until yesterday, it finally updated to say they had been shipped on the 31st. Since when does it take 2 weeks to get an order processed? Talk about slow. The cd's better be well worth the wait, or that will be my first and last order from cbd.

I think I'm having some kind of midlife type crisis. In fact, I'm pretty sure of it. It is not just this slow shipping thing that has annoyed me. I am driving myself crazy thinking and thinking and thinking. Yes, I am typically analytical. I like to mull something around and chew on information and such, but it has been truly a maddening amount lately. Enough already. But I haven't been able to turn it off. I think I may need medication-Or a vacation. One would probably feel as good as the other at this point. I've been so crazy, I can't even collect my thoughts enough to pray about it to get relief. The more I think, the more I find things to think about. Enough with the thoughts and planning! I passed impatient a few weeks ago.
I have spent several hours outdoors today. I just came back from a rollicking walk/bike/scooter ride with the girls. I have a nice tired out feeling. We ran, raced, and looked at rain puddles. Most importantly, we breathed the fresh air. I feel better already. There's something about the outdoors that makes me feel alive. No, the situations I've been obsessing about haven't gone away, but being out in the God's great big world makes it all seem a little smaller. I think I'll break the spending freeze and take us all out for dinner. Mom's night out.

Excercise backstory

My 4yo and I have been making it a habit to walk for the mail during the day, just the two of us. Today, it was rainy and damp. I've been expecting those scripture cd's from CBD. It's been almost 2 weeks and they're not here yet. I'm starting to get a little impatient. Mondays the mail runs late and so rather than walking up in the rain and finding the mailbox empty, I took the car instead. 4 yo went along, and really did sit in the front. It's not that far and it's a private road so I let the kids do it from time to time. Today when I got out for the mail, she asked if she could run home. I was surprised she wanted to do it all by herself. There have been a couple of times she's asked to walk home with her sister. Usually she chickens out and wants back in the car. Today, I let her try it. Go! she yelled and took off down the hill. The look of delight on that little girl's face was priceless. She kept yelling at me over her shoulder. A couple of times she stopped. I was sure she would want back into the car, but she'd take a little breather and keep going. When we pulled up to the house she ran onto the porch and said "I beat you, Mommy!" It was very sweet. The mail, by the way, had not gone yet. A few hours later I went up to check it again. She went along again, and sure enough, when we got to the mailbox she hopped out and took off running. The picture of her running down the hill with her fuzzy culrs bobbing back and forth is locked in my memory, hopefully forever. Not only did I see my 4yo running down that hill, I was able to look ahead in time and see a young woman.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Ensuring your children get enough exercise

A.K.A: the lazy girl's guide to walks.

1. Put on shoes grab keys, put on coats, and head out to the car.

2. Get in the car, allow the child/children to sit in the front seat, this makes it extra special. Make sure they don't buckle up either.

3. Drive to the mailbox. Yes, I said drive. Not all of us have our mail delivered to the front door. If you do, await futher instructions. If you are like me and have a line of mailboxes by the entrance to your developement or...cough, cough...trailer park, drive to the mailbox.

4.Remove keys from ignition, check mail and restart your car.

5. Have child hop out of the car, it will take less time if you need to help them if they are unbuckled and in the front.

6. Put car in drive and instruct child to run.

7. Follow child at a slow enough speed that you do not pass them, but fast enough that the little darling will need to run.

8. Celebrate with the child as they "beat" you in the race for home. Laugh silently knowing it is you that has really won.

9. Some special instructions-If you are one of those rich types that has the luxury of mail delivery to your front door, or end of the driveway, you can still ensure your child/children are getting enough exercise. Simply "allow" them carry each piece idividually from the mailbox to the house. You can still follow along in your car if it's as far away as the end of the driveway. Smile, knowing life is good.

More tips and tricks from the lazy girl later. Right now, I'm all tuckered out.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Football yall

So it may not be a huge surprise that I'm not a big pro football fan. I loosely follow the family team every year and have made it a point to watch the super bowl since junior high school. I found that if I didn't know something about football and college basketball, that I was totally lost when our sport fanatic male teachers would take up a whole period exercising their jaws about one or the other.
I missed the first half of tonight’s game, but managed to still follow the score. When we got home, we turned it on and found little had changed. It was tempting to just shut it off, but decided since it was so close; it was probably an interesting game. I wasn't disappointed. I was so hoping the Giants would whoop the Pats, and so when that final touchdown was scored I let a nice loud yell. Well worth the wait. Thankfully all the excitement is over until next year.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

The Call Florida

The blood of 50 million aborted babies cries out for justice. How can we ignore their cries? Pray for righteous judges in the land.

You can catch live coverage of The Call Florida Today streaming on Godtv. Enjoy!


Maybe this will become my nightly "thing." I used to always journal at night last thing before I fell asleep usually preceded by studying a little of the Word. I didn't feel so hot today. Not full blown stomach flu like the girls, but enough of it that I felt shivery, shaky, and had a sore tummy. To top that off, we were "iced in." Schools were canceled or delayed. When that happens we usually stay in too. Not that I felt like going anywhere. It was more the idea that I couldn't if I felt like it. It left me time to think.

I know I think way too much. My brain is always in motion. Always turning something over. Lately I've been very self obsessed and for good reason....I wrote a bunch of stuff after this, but I've decided to cut it out-Anonymity and all that jazz. I wouldn't want to compromise a commitment I've made to myself to keep what I say about others positive. I am free to trash talk myself. Others are off limits. It was theraputic to write it though. Too bad you won't be able to read it. ;l

Friday, February 1, 2008

See who I want to be

I've shown you the ugly truth of who I am. Layed it all out for you to gaze at and see the stuff I'm made of. Ahh, the 3 am musings of a mom that can't sleep. You never know what you're gonna get. It's quite freeing actually. I don't have to hide behind some pretense that I'm perfect. You'll either like me or not, but it doesn't matter. At least you'll see the true me. I dare you to do it. Lay it all out there- a little bit of the stuff you don't want anyone to see.

Now that you've seen what I am, I hope you'll see what I can be. I hope you'll see the possibilies and the true heart that beats within. A heart that burns for more. A heart that isn't satified with a taste of goodness or mercy, but a heart that cries Abba! Father! More Lord. Take me deeper. Let my life , be consecrated unto You. May it be a sweet incense before You. Burn me up in the furnace of Your desire and may that burning ignite a desires in others to jump into the furnace. To not bend a knee, but to bodly stand before you.

"There is therefore now no condemnation to those that are in Christ Jesus who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. For the law of the spirit of life which is in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death."
Romans 8:1,2