Thursday, January 31, 2008

A funny in my tummy

Not sure if it's what the kids had, but it does feel somewhat funny. Kinda shakey.

On another note, have you ever known someone that has an innate ability to make you see just what a schmuck you really are? They dont' even have to try, but just knowing them, talking with them makes you see the stuff you're really made of. It's a wonderful gift some people just have. I love you for it, but at the same time, it makes me feel ashamed.

One of those days

Today is one of those days that will be busy and I'm glad for it. We've been home and indoors quite a lot. We've also been sleeping in until 9:30 and 10 which is much later than I like. I guess it's one of the payoffs and pitfalls of home education. No immediate need to get up and around bright and early if there's no school bus to catch. I blame it on the puke. We'll have to make a conscious effort to get back to schedule or else there will be no turner back. We are naturally night owls.

Currently 10yo is reading the story of Joseph for literature. I love it when her publicly funded education hands us little nuggets like that. It rare and too far between though. I should be incorporating more bible reading into our days. Many times I forget that she's become such a good reader. I read or study, but neglect to have either one of them join me. Hopefully, my decision to incorporate Bible memorization more into our lives will also remind me to have them spend time reading and studying the Word too. When we're done with school, it will be time to rush off to the dentist. After that I plan to take a nice long leisurely stroll through the library. It's been a month since we've last been there. Oh, happy day.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Now stop me if you've heard this one

I was trying to explain to my 10yo what teeny little super guy was. I sang her the song, and described the scenes, but a picture is worth a thousand words.

And just for fun, one more, though totally unrelated. Hilarious!

Let the Sun Shine In

I'm sad to admit my powers of mental mojo were unable to ignite dreams of bagpipes or irish tenors singing a beloved song through the night. I feel quite defeated, and disheartened, but I shall never give in.

In the meantime, I have some serious work to do. A small space is so subject to clutter, especially when one has been cooped up in that small space for nearly 2 weeks straight. We have made occasional trips out, but the cold weather and recent illness of my children made me want to hibernate and stay indoors where it's warm. I was content to do so, until something inside of me snapped and screamed for fresh air and sunshine. Thank God that despite the whipping wind and numbing cold, the sun is shining happpily today. I have the curtains open wide to let that wonderful warm sunshine in. Hopefully it will melt my icy core and turn me back into a human being.

Many hands make light the work. Wish I had a few more to help get the job done.

To blog or not to blog

That is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of wonderful memories, or to take arms and blog about them.

The jury is still out on it. Maybe I will fill you in on every detail of my evening, or maybe I will take them to bed with me to nurse me through my loneliness and cut my conscious to the core.

Instead I'll tell you a lovely story about a boy and his cheeseballs. There once was a boy who loved cheeseballs. He loved them so much that when he was to go camping for a week he stocked up on several cans of them. Yes, they were sold in cans in those days. Too bad I haven't found any like that in years. Anyway, the boy loved his cheeseballs. He ate them, enjoyed them, and even when stuck in traffic, shared them with a random group of Canadians. How generous he was with his cheeseballs. His cheeseballs earned him a loving nickname. Cheeseball. His love of cheeseballs touched the heart of a girl who too learned to loved those tasty cheesy little snacks. But, alas, it wasn't to be. The cheeseballs made him wicked, untrue, and he flew away to another bird's nest. It was to her he gave the first bite. Now, the lonely cheeseball-boy loving girl has nothing but the memory of that boy, his cheeseballs, and the intriguing way he licked the cheese from his fingers in delight as they sang "Oh Danny boy".

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Another one bites the dust...

da da duh duh duh, another one bites the dust....It's ringing round and round in my head. Enough already.

You see, this morning I got up and hopped in the shower. It was quiet in here, both girls were still sleeping soundly. I took a nice long shower, free of worry for the first time in several weeks. Free to think. Just think. Not obsess. The load had rolled ever so slightly off my shoulders. I was breathing. I was getting a glimpse of what it felt like to be free in ones mind. Leasurely I lathered up and let my mind wander. My thoughts still turned to the same things, only this time instead of instant dread, there was a calm. I was able to think about people without feeling sick with worry, dread or guilt. My thoughts were even a little relieved. I sat down to let the water wash over me and enjoy more of my thoughts. From one thing to another they skipped, enjoying the ease of the memories instead of feeling each one sting and burn. I don't know how my thoughts leaped to this, well, wait a minute. Now I do. Anyway, I thought of my husband telling me one of our former friends, one of his co-workers, was getting a divorce. Immediatly my mind went there. Da da duh duh duh...another on bites the dust. Over and over the song played as my thoughts stuck there for a second. Shutting off the water and reaching for my towel it played on. What gives one courage to leave and another to stay? Are they both motivated by fear? Fear of things never changing. Or hope? Hope that maybe they will. For one that fear drives them to seek greener pastures. For the other, it paralyzes them to stay.

I don't feel so peaceful anymore. And on it plays. Another one bites the dust.

Monday, January 28, 2008

The real me

I am nerdier than 34% of all people. Are you a nerd? Click here to find out!

My nerd score, thanks to mama squirrel

I must be tired. nighty night.

all is quiet

The Well plays a song from here that I really like called "Most Worthy."

The last of the puke flew last night. My noisome husband has returned to work (he has been a bear for the past few weeks). Things can now return to normal. The kids are still recovering, but no longer have a fever and aren't making a run for it every few minutes. I'm looking forward to today being quiet and restorative. I've been listening to The Well (now called Elijah Streams-just a name change) and reading Charlotte Mason's Book 1 on education.

I'm seriously considering our educational options for next school year. I'm confident enough now in my abilities to step away from the cyber charter and pursue some other interests. The cyber has been great, but very limiting as it fills so much of our time. It's difficult to put a full day in, and still be interested in other educational pursuits. I'd like to follow a more inclusive way of studying rather than the school at home method. Unit studies, rich living books, art and music are much more appealing to me right now, especially since next year 4yo could be starting kindie. I don't think she's ready for the rigors of k12 full time although I greatly value their curriculum. Maybe I'd consider it for her if I could afford to do it independently instead of through a cyber, but they are pricey!

Sunday, January 27, 2008


Gross. 10yo woke me up at midnight last night, I was just getting into a good sleep, to tell me that she had thrown up and it was everywhere. Now let me preface this by saying I don't "do" puke. Puke is the one thing that sets my stomach to turning. So I say to her to do her best to get the chunks before I have to look at it. I felt sorry for her, but knew that me going in there with it "everywhere" would just cause more to be everywhere. She cleaned up some and I was able to draw somewhat near. She wasn't kidding. It was everywhere. She said she woke up and it was coming out of her mouth. We're lucky it wasn't worse! So, at 12:00 at my parents house no less, we were poking about looking for cleaning supplies and such. (my mom doesn't use what I use, so I had to try to think like her for a moment to know how to even begin.) After 45 minutes, we had things wiped down with bleach (I found it.) At 1 am, I was quietly trying to pack up the 2 of them, and beat it home. Not easy when you waken a sleeping 4 year old and carry her out of grandma and pappy's house. Once she was awake she too complained about a sore tummy. Meanwhile 10yo is still yarking every few minutes. This is a nightmare scene. Away from home and 2 sick kids.
I left a note, grabbed some sick bags, and sped home. We made it into the driveway just in time for the birthday girl to open the door and let it fly again. I settle them into bed, deciding to tuck 4yo in with me "in case" she too starts. All night, every 20 minutes like clockwork she was sick. 10 yo old was up and down up and down. I was up all night. It was a puke-a-palooza. Oh, Lord. Things finally settled down around 8 am and we were able to sleep for a few hours. Today has not been fun. Both are feverish and in and out of the bathroom. Thankfully, hubby came home last night instead of his usual Monday. I'm making him handle the daytime trips for 4yo.

Happy Birthday.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Happy Birthday

Not to me, but to my now 10 yo! What a darling blessings she's been. I'm so thankful that God gave her to me.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

the power of a dream

Dreams can be amazingly powerful. They can take an emotion and totally transform it. They can awaken thoughts and feelings of love or evoke complete rage. It's no wonder God uses dreams to speak to His children. Joseph was a dreamer. His dreams not only showed him God's plan for his life, but changed his life. By sharing his dreams he provoked his brothers to such violent jealously that they were willing to kill him. One of them finally came to his senses and convinced the others not to kill him, but to sell him instead. Little did they know God had it all under control. He would prosper Joseph and bring those dreams to pass. The magi after having found the Christ child were warned in a dream to depart another way. They were not to return to Herod. God's perfect plan was in action to make sure that His son would fulfill his destiny. It's amazing to me just how powerful these night time visions are.

I dream quite vividly. Sometimes they are spiritual dreams. I have been in a season where I have not had any of these types of dreams (except last week I awoke after one of those vivid dreams and as I mulled it over and over a scripture played over and over in my head). It has been a long dry season. It seems though that whether or not God is inspiring the dream, my dreams are still alive and powerful. I don't know. Maybe everybody dreams the way I do. Maybe everyone wakes up in the morning and lingers over their night time thoughts looking for meaning in the strange pictures or delighting in the joy they've brought. I'd like to say last night I had the most amazing God given dream but I didn't. I dreamed, vividly, but I don't think they were from God. It was actually a series of the same dream. 3 of them in total. Nice, lovely dreams that repeated, just under a different scenario. I awoke with such a feeling of joy and love. How nice to be wanted and loved, if only in my dreams. They woke me quite early this moring. Earlier than usual anyway. I laid under the blankets and let the thoughts of those dreams wash over me. Replaying round and round as I remembered so many details. Conversations. Names. Places. Faces. As I slowly came round to consciousness my heart began to pound as I came to the realization that those dreams were probably not something to delight in. Maybe they were God's way of showing me what's still in my heart, or maybe they were medically induced. (benedryl induced make that.) I don't know. All I know is that this morning I carry both a feeling of joy and guilt over the thoughts I had while I was asleep, which perhaps is stupid. It's not like I can control what I dream. All I can do is pray about it and ask God to make my dreams His dreams. They are the only ones with enough power to truly change lives.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

catch up day

Today is going to be a catch up day. Yesteday I did very little. School and supper was about all I felt like handling. I did take a short walk after supper which helped relax me. Today I have all sorts of chores to catch up on. Loads of laundry-I hate to even count. There's at least 5. Dishes from last night's supper- only a few silverware and a cookie sheet. Toys to be picked up, boxed up and moved out. 4yo is in her glory. More mess than you can shake a stick at. There's just not enought space. Something has to go outside into storage. It'll help when I finally buy the paint and get cracking on all that work I wanna do. We also need to make a little more progress on the homeschool. Time to get down to business there. January and February is when we typically get the most accomplished. We can usually be done with everything by mid April or the first of May. This year it's not looking so good.

Okay...i'm off... still slowly, I'm still not feeling tippy top.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

last post today, I promise

Prayer room is back up! woohoo!!!

btw, I took a short walk. I feel a little less cooped up now. Kids are cleaning up their disaster zone, and I'm going to chill with the prayerroom for a while.

must be some kind of record

3 blog posts in one day. You can tell I'm obviously bored. I don't feel well enough to be up and jumping about, but feel well enough that I'm not enjoying just sitting around. Lately when I feel restless like this, I jump into the prayer room and hang with God for a while. It's down, as you could read in an earlier post. I could just go hang out with God for a while anyway. I really probably should. Truthfully, my flesh is crying out for human attention. That one's a hard one to kill and is assuredly why I need to spend some time with God. I go...slowly...I'm going to shut off the comp, and tv, and do something.

35th anniversary of Roe V. Wade

Visit God tv for the Bound for Life rally.

The states in red represent the amount of people that have been murdered by abortion since Roe V. Wade. God help us.

Save America

prayer room down

My beloved prayer room has been down yesterday and today. It didn't work correctly Sunday either and we were home from church. I watched the service feed blip in and out. What a bummer. What ever will I do?

On another note, I've come down with a cold. It' my own fault for letting it become full blown. I felt yucky Friday night, but ignored it. I felt yucky Saturday, but ignored it. By Sunday, it was a cold, and I took only a small bit of action. Today I feel zoned out. The good thing about having a cold is I've found a delightful tissue. Yes, I said tissue. Puffs plus lotion and VICKS. A perfect combination. I love the scent of Eucalyptus when I've got a cold. Now when my nose is stuffy and drippy -ewwww! I'm so disgustingly honest.- I can just hold a vicks coated tissue under my nose. No need to get out the greasy stuff. Life shouldn't be this good.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Crucified with Christ

"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me."
Gal. 2:20

"... which is Christ in you, the hope of glory:"
Col. 1:27b

These two verses have been on me for the past week. I have prayed them, and meditated on them much.

I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live, but Christ in me- the hope of glory. I know it's not written that way. It's two scriptures, but that's the way they've been speaking to me.

It's been difficult lately to be crucified to self. It's not human nature to die to our wants and desires and put on the desires of another. God has been bringing things up in me that I didn't really want to look at. Things I didn't want to see. One more area that needs crucifying. It's been painful, brutal at times, but there is a joy in it. A joy to know that nevertheless I live, but Christ in me, the hope of glory. A joy to know that it's working together for my good, for my betterment, and working in me an eternal weight of glory. (Romans 8:28, 2 Cor. 4:17)

Saturday, January 19, 2008

a knee in need...

needs a band-aid indeed.

We always have a science and art co-op every Friday at my friend's house. We had some snow Thursday, but the sun had come out and melted some of it by Friday afternoon. The day had been beautiful. As I was going out to my car, my arms loaded with the usual parting gifts co-op brings, I took a spill onto the driveway. I was so busy going about my business, I failed to notice that the temperature had dropped and the blacktop was icy, not just wet. Down I went on one knee. What a sting. It really hurt and I wanted to run back in and tell everyone to be careful. But pride took over. I had fallen on the driveway. How silly I must have looked. I silently took the pain of a skinned knee and drove home. (Not before my 4 year old pulled out 2 of her own emergency band-aides and patched me up.) I quickly forgot about my fall. The sting still remained though easily ignored. It's amazing how much such a little thing like a skinned knee can hurt.

Tonight as I was slipping away from reality into my bathtub, I was reminded of my fall. I started to think how a skinned knee relates so much to life. A skinned knee seems so minuscule, but can still cause pain. It's not the kind of pain that hits you in the face. No, it's the kind of pain that stings silently nagging and gnawing at you until the skin heals back over. Many things in life are that way. They happen and seem so small that they aren't even worth mentioning. It stings and burns but we keep it to ourselves. One day we're walking along, our hands full of everyday things, and without noticing we fall on the ice and skin our knees. We want to run for help, yell "OH! I've fallen," but instead we steady ourselves and move on. We don't even bother to warn our friends it's icy. Later though the sting of it all remains. We suffer on in silence. We don't wanna be a crybaby, crying about our skinned knees. What exactly are we so afraid of? Yes, someone may think it's funny that we've lost our balance and slipped, but more often the people that love us will have a band aid waiting for us.

What if our humility helps another not to fall on the same icy patch in the driveway?

Our children aren't afraid to tell us when they've fallen. NO! They come running, "Mommy, Daddy, kiss it. I need a band-aid." It's just one more reminder to become like a child to enter the kingdom. Maybe we don't feel like we have someplace to run. No one to kiss it to make it better. It's easy to forget that Christ cares about our boo-boos. He wants to pick us up, kiss it better, and carry us home.

Lord, Teach me to be like a child.

Toe freezing cold

Brrrr! It is cold. I went to bed thinking it felt extra cold in here, but thought maybe it was just cause I was tired. I woke up several times in the night cold and finally before dawn got up to get an extra blanket. Usually my house is warm enough I don't need to wear slippers to keep my feet warm. Not today. My toes are freezing cold!! Tonight and tomorrow are supposed to be especially cold. I know this is typical January weather. I'm spoiled by all those warm days we've had this year. I don't like the cold. I need to cuddle up to someone in this kind of weather-put my icy feet on them.

I'm dreading sticking my nose out the front door today. I know if I don't though, I'll have too much time on my hands in order to think, and sulk, and stew. Keeping busy is the key to staying content so as soon as I bundle up the kids and myself, we're off for a drive into the country to the farm to pick up some milk. Then I think we'll head to the grocery store. I haven't been yet this week. We've been eating light and what we have on hand in the freezer. It's cold enough, I think I need to do a little baking to warm it up in here so probably this evening I'll be whipping up some banana bread. I'll have to think of something to cook in the oven for our late supper.

okay, here i sooo COLD!

Friday, January 18, 2008

homemade goodness

How do you top a post about snoring?! eww.

Ever smell the intoxicating smell of fresh baked bread? When I lived at home, my dad would sometimes make this wonderful treat for us. He grew up with a mother that always made their own bread and often served fresh bread as part of the main dish for their meals. I remember watching my dad knead the dough, and snitching tiny bites while it was rising. Later when I was older, bread machines became the rage and my mom was blessed with one for Christmas one year. Fresh bread became a regular occurrence in our home. There's nothing like sitting down to a still warm loaf and filling up on hot buttered bread.

I've been wanting to try my hand at baking my own bread for several months. Commercial bread-good bread anyway- has gotten so costly for us to buy as it usually goes stale before we use a whole loaf. We're not big bread eaters. An occasional sandwich or toast jag will strike for a week or two, but passes just as quickly as it arrived. I have been gathering my ingredients for several months. First it was yeast, then whole wheat flour and gluten, followed by unbleached bread flower. I've looked at recipes and dreamed of the hot fresh bread that would come out of my oven. This I knew we would eat. Yesterday I finally took the plunge. I needed something to keep my occupied-too many things to think about. It was cold and snowy. A perfect day for homemade soup-which I perfected long, long ago- and what could taste better with hot, vegetable beef soup than bread? The time had finally come. I was going to just do it.

First I collected my recipe. I carefully selected a white bread recipe as I know that whole wheat or whole grains are harder to rise and need added ingredients like gluten. I read and followed my recipe and enjoyed the aroma of the yeasty mixture. Then I kneaded and kneaded and thought about my own father and grandmother who kneaded by hand so long ago. Yes, I have a mixer that would have done the job, but I wanted the full experience. I even got to sneak a few bites while waiting for it to rise. Finally the time came to pop the loaves in the oven and wait. Within no time the smell I have such fond memories of came wafting out of my own oven. After 25 minutes I pulled them out and gave them a thump-nice and hollow. They were done. The butter was rubbed all over the crust (which makes it tender instead of hard) and we waited for it to be cool enough to slice. I timed it perfectly. The soup and the freshly baked bread were ready at the same time and we dined like the peasants we are. DELICIOUS! We ate most of the first loaf. Next time, I'll add a bit more sugar and salt (the recipe didn't call for enough) but there definitely will be a next time.

Thursday, January 17, 2008


ewwww! I hate snoring. It has been one of the worlds most annoying sounds to me for as long as I can remember. My dad snores terribly loud! It's not like people can help it. We don't have control over ourselves while we sleep. I know that. I have always been a rather light sleeper so noises like snoring waken me so easily. For some reason when i wake up out of a good sleep like that I feel a little disoriented or combative. I don't wake up in the morning that way. I wake up in the morning feeling good, light, chipper. I only wake up feeling wierd when I've been wakened by an outside source. I also hate alarm clocks. Last night as I was setting mine, I thought about the name. ALARM clocks. That's exactly what they do. Alarm me. The sound of one ranks right up there with snoring as one of the most annoying sounds

To my surprise though, I've been snoring. I know. People that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. I, the despiser of snoring, have been snoring for the past month. I think-I hope- it has something to do with my nose having been perpetually stuffy since before Christmas. I have snored in the past when I had a cold that blocked my airway, and always woken myself up, but they were more of a wheezy snore. Shortly before Christmas I woke myself up again. Who's snoring??? Then it dawned on me that it was me!! Oh the shame. I've woken myself up several times since-I told you I'm a light sleeper. Hopefully this isn't a permanent part of my night time routine. Go to sleep. Sleep well. Snore. Wake up annoyed at the sound. Roll over go back to sleep. Snore... Oh the horror of it! 8P

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

back to life...

back to reality. I hear a song in everything. (this one is courtesy of soul II soul.)

Enough allegorical posts. It's back to blogging in the real language of everyday factory life. The topic on my mind today has been memorizing scripture. I would like to make a bigger effort to incorporate this into daily life. One of the ways that has worked best for me in the past is through song. Whatever the information is, put it in a song, and it's locked in my memory. When I was a child living at home, my parents were singers, evangelists and pastors. Many of the songs we sang in church were scripture songs. Those very songs that I learned so very long ago are often a way the Lord speaks to me today. I'll be going about my daily business and I'll remember one of those songs. Often they speak to the situation I am in at the time. I'm so thankful that I know so many.

Today I have made the conscious decision to give my children this same gift. We already sing many of the songs I know, but i'd like to add to our repertoire. I did a quick search for bible memorization and came up with a cd set available through cbd called "Seeds." They are scriptures put to music and aimed at kids, so I was a little sceptical at the quality. Unfortunately people think children's music should be lame twaddle(click here for a sample if you can stomach it. scroll down and click play). To my great surprise and enjoyment, these cd's have been very well done. They are adult led by people with good voices. Children sing along, but in real voices, not that happy christian white bread sound that I DESPISE. I've ordered all 4, with only a twinge of guilt about the purchase. I'll let you know how it goes.

Monday, January 14, 2008


The path is speaking to me. Come walk along me, it pleads. I feel it's arms bending over my broken skin, trying to touch away the hurt. It's empty. My skin has grown callused at it's touch. Pleadingly the path beckons. Walk on. Walk on.

Softly, I hear the valley down below calling my name, touching my heart. As I listen to it's message I seems to hear it say more. It's message changes and sways. I want you, I want you, stay away, stay away. Duty and honor have placed me here, come join me. Duty and honor have placed me here, stay away.

Yes, duty and honor. I know them all too well. Duty and honor have spoken so many times before. Stay on the path they say. Stay on the path.

More fear. More confusion. I love to gaze at the valley. Here I wait for a voice above all the others. His voice I trust and fear. Waiting. Waiting. I stand.

The silence is deafening. He speaks more loudly than the path, the valley, or duty and honor. Jump, I'll catch you. My wings are strong. Turn around, I'll carry you. My shoulders are broad.

PUSH ME! I shout down to the valley. Fight for me! I say to the path. Standing at the edge of this precipice, I wait.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

at the edge

I am standing at the edge of a tall precipice looking down at the green valley below. I see cars and people, houses and homes, meadows and springs, a lush valley. I smell the sweet air. I see the freedom the valley holds, the happiness and peace and a world of possibilities. I turn to look behind me and see the path I've stepped away from. I've walked that path for so long, my feet are tired and bruised. I long for the relief of that valley, but the path holds a magic spell over me. Draws me back with the memories of it's flat places and cool shade trees. Yes, that path was not always so rocky. Once it too was full of promise and hope. How quickly I realized the path was much steeper than I first thought. I didn't look far enough ahead to see the thorns that had grown up along the way. The thorns had cut and torn at my flesh leaving me bleeding and open. But on I would plod. Sure the path would lead me back to where I started from-the place that was once so full of hope. Sure my legs would not always feel so raw and I would at last find rest. Yes, sometimes the rocks did turn smooth, the thorns were cut back in places. I found places of joy along the way. My children were born there. On that rough path I had a history.

I look again to the green valley below, no longer naive, and aware now that the valley though full of promise surely had it's rough places too. But oh, the freedom down below. New hopes. New promises. Springs and sunny breezes. I'm aware now of my wings. I feel them flutter behind me, reminding me I was made to fly. They remind of the promise of a new day, a way of escape from the thorns. My heart is pounding. I long for the freedom of that valley, but as I look down I see my heart standing on either side of me, both pieces so small and much weaker than I. Yes, I'm sure my wings will carry me but their wings are too small, too frail. Theirs will never carry them all the way to the bottom of that steep cliff. Are my wings strong enough to hold us all? Can I make it without smashing into the walls of that steep cliff? Tears slide down my cheeks as I think about the freedom at the end of the flight. Perhaps I can make it. Maybe I can.

But the path I'm sure of. I've walked it before, carrying them on my back. I've grown used to the thorns, used to the terrible stings of each of their cuts. My arms are strong, my shoulders broad, I know I can carry them a bit further. I know someday they will have to walk, and feel the cuts on their own tender legs, but the promise lays within their wings. Maybe they will grow strong enough on my back to fly away to that valley down below. They can feel the warm breeze guiding them to the lush green and bubbling streams.

I have a choice. Do I return to the path I know? The path I've grown used to? Or do I spread my wings, take a chance on their strength? Will I jump, or turn silently back around?

Saturday, January 12, 2008

A big puddle of mess

That's the way I feel right now. I don't feel good. I don't even feel kinda good. I've not been sleeping. The first night it happened I thought it was the coke too close to bedtime. The second night I thought I was over tired. The third night I saw the truth of it. Not only have I had trouble falling asleep, I've had trouble staying asleep. This morning I've been crying for the past 2 and a half hours. You'd think I'd be cried out, but naw, I think I could cry some more.

Sometimes I think I'm so sure of something and feel okay about it for a while, then fear breaks in and totally undoes me. I know I am not to live in fear. Perfect love cast out fear, His perfect love. I just feel so uncertain and so gross, and have really needed a big Daddy hug. I laid and prayed a long time this morning, and felt some of the tension go, but I need even more peace. I feel like I just want to be turned inside out and hosed off down on the inside, in the innermost parts of me. Oh, yuck, what a feeling.

Friday, January 11, 2008

To quote Sheryl Crow

"A change will do you good."

Ain't that the truth? I've made some tough decisions within the past 2 weeks. For a long time it was a lingering thought that I didn't know how to proceed with, but slowly it started to get clearer. Then 2 weeks ago, in the middle of the Sunday sermon no less, it became very clear. I felt as though a weight lifted off my shoulders and I had a new strength I've not felt before. It doesn't make what I have to do easy. I feel all jumpy and jittery about it really, but I know it's right. (i'm not going to go into detail, but keep me in your prayers if you think about it.)

I had a wonderful opportunity to finally spend some much needed time with my momfriends. What a God-send these group of woman are. They love me and support in ways I wasn't even aware of. They cried with me today as I told them what I've been facing. It was very cathartic to be with people I could be completly open with and know they won't stand in judgement. I stopped pacing the floor, quit jittering my leg and took the time to just breath. That's when I realized I've been shivering for the past 3 days and carrying all kind of tension in my neck. As I sit here and type this I realize my neck and shoulders feel like a brick. I'm fighting to keep my composure. And one of the people I want to talk to, I can't. I have to learn obedience and patience. I know it's the right thing, but like I said yesterday it still stings.

This evening on the car ride home from having dinner with the mom's (THANK GOD that they didn't send me home in the state I was in and asked us to stay for dinner!!) this scripture came to my mind.
"And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children." Isaiah 54:13
Now I understand this a promise concerning our children, but I was reminded that I am somebody's child and a child of God. I remember my parents speaking this scripture over me when I was younger. So I prayed, "Lord, I thank you for this promise spoken over me long ago. I am your child, and I thank you for your peace."

I just feel like I need to rest in him a while. A change will do me good.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

"And the truth shall set you free."

Sometimes the truth hurts. It'not always pretty when you hear it, but it's always good when you have. A nice healthy dose of it was just what the doctor ordered. This kind of medicine stings a little bit, but it's better to take it than to be sick. Sometimes, truth comes from the place you don't expect-kinda takes you by surprise. I'm glad someone just had the wisdom to be doctor and make me take my medicine. I needed to hear it. It's been staring me in the face for a while and I didn't want to look at it. So thanks Dr. Truth.

And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
John 8:32

I need a hug

I feel restless and shifty. I keep getting up and down and running around the house looking for something to do. I think I just need someone to talk me down a little bit.

I keep looking around the house trying to decide what colors I want to paint. I've been wanting to redo the kitchen for the past year. We hope to sell the house this spring and move on to something better suited to our needs. Now is the perfect time to start the work. I think if I had the stuff here I would jump in right now. It would give me something to occupy my mind while I try to work some other things out.

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.
He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber
Psalms 121:1

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.Psalms 28:7

Up all night, up all day

up all night again. I even stayed awake all day today, all except for 20mins or so when i just fell out cold on the couch. I had a touch of a sniffy nose today, so I was even justified in taking a benedryl which usually puts me out so fast I hardly have time to say goodnight. I went to bed, turned off the light, put my oh so sleepy head on the pillow and BOING! my brain sprung right into action. I've had a few things on my mind, so it's a little understandable, but come on! I took a whole benedryl. As I sit around the house trying to do quiet things, I feel like I can hardly make a cohesive thought. When i try to turn my attention to putting myself back to bed, I'm awake.

I'm starting to feel really tired again. Maybe this time I'll try to fall out on the couch. I don't really like to do that, cuz I wake up stiff but I'll just be glad to get some sleep.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Time to Soak it Up

at the well. Tune in now for an hour of soaking in God's presence. It's good stuff.

Just in case you were wondering

I couldn't get to sleep until after 5. As I was laying in bed I remembered that I had a bottle of Coke to drink on the ride home from WalMart around 6:30. I have been drinking little to no caffeine lately. This little woops would explain why I felt tired, but couldn't get my mind to shut off. My eyes popped open at 8:13 today. I hope I can make it through. I'm a girl who need her sleep. I'm not too proud to admit it.

It grew so windy since I went to bed early this morning. I'll probably have to go chase down the garbage cans.

Up all night

Sleep all day. hopefully not. I'm having a bit of trouble settling down tonight. This time it's not due to napping in the day, or worrying about a problem. actually, i think it's because i feel too good. does that make sense? I feel sooo tired, but when I lay my head on my pillow my mind wanders and tries to process too many things all at once. brain overload. it can only handle so many things at one time before it just says woh! enough. whatever the cause of my mind swirling and swirling round various topics, it is now ridiculously late. I'll either be too tired to function tomorrow, or be tempted to sleep in too late. My kids won't complain. I let them stay up too late too. As soon as their heads hit the pillow, they were out. sweet sleep.

So, in light of being up too late, and trying to settle the grey matter, here are some things that are totally unrelated to one another. get ready. this may take a while.

Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds? thank you Jerry Maguire kid.

When I was in 8th grade i got detention because a boy kissed me on the cheek and a teacher caught him. I was totally innocent in the matter, but still punished right along with him. I was mortified.

I play the trumpet. It's been a long time since I've picked one up though. I was pretty good. Sometimes I dream I'm trying to play and cant remember the fingering.

I have very vivid dreams.

I don't like mice, or rats, or gerbils or... ew!! thinking about it grosses me out. As little as two years ago I had severe panic attacks when I saw one, heard one, thought I saw one, thought I heard one, or someone mentioned having seen, heard or otherwise. It got so bad my throat would close up. When it reached that height of fear, I decided that I didn't want to carry around fear. Perfect love casts out fear, so I started to pray about it. It's much better now, but I still hate them!!

When I was little we lived in more houses than I can count on 2 hands. When I turned 5 it slowed down a little bit, and my parents settled where they still live today when I was in elementary school. I've grown to love the countryside and thrive on fresh "country air" (read cow manure) and sunshine. My dad always dreamed of having a farm someday and passed on his love of nature to me. My kids are in love with our new pet silkie chickens.

I got married when I was really young, so even though I'll soon have a 10 year old, I haven't hit the big 3-0. (only a few more months now though.)

I've been in 4 auto accidents-none of them my fault. This is how I've developed a love for my chiropractors. They help keep me feeling human.

I can roll my tongue. Must have inherited it from my dad, cause my mum can't do it. It grosses her out when we do which we then do all the more cause it's fun to watch her squirm. I love my mum.

I could go on and on. I told you, I can't sleep. I think I'll do a little prayer room, read a little, and then hopefully drift off.

oh! one more thing which will probably get lost in all this nonsense. In case you have stopped by here, wondering who the cyberstalker was(I'm not stalking you, I just click obsessively!!) I've done the whole google reader thing. I'll try it anyway. I kinda miss all the colors and pretty music when I actually click on the site or blog, but I 'll give it a fair shot.


Tuesday, January 8, 2008

a weight off my back

I just had an RV towed out of my driveway. My husband bought it 2 years ago this spring with a big idea of fixing it up to suit his needs. It was old, the guy selling it was drunk, and DH hadn't looked many other places, but I kept my mouth shut. It did look very nice on the inside. I hoped it was all the seller was making it out to be. It made DH happy and was fairly reasonable. Then the truth started to come out. When we received the title, we discovered it was actually 10 years older than the seller had told us. Dh was about to go overseas for a few months, so in the interim the camper was parked at my parents. There it could be moved regularly and there was plenty of room to "work" on it when he returned. 2 months came and went, dh returned and decided it would be better to have it at our house. On the drive home it started to smoke and overheat. He pulled over and eventually limped it home. I didn't say, "I told you so." The big dream has sat in our driveway for the past 12+ months untouched. No work. no checking. nothing. I kept gently nudging him to do SOMETHING with it. sell it, fix it, move it-anything. I wasn't about to sell the Dream. (my not so loving name I've given it.) Finally I took action. I called the tow truck today. It's currently on it's way to my parents yard where a for sale sign will be put on it. I will sell it to the best offer. They live on a well traveled road that leads to a resort area. Lots of camper loving type traffic. Cars always sell well there.

I feel as if someone has lifted an elephant off my chest. I didn't realize it bothered me so much. I feel so light. Hallelujah! My driveway is once more my own.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Groovin on the bass

I'm watching the 6pm worship with the word set. Cory Asbury is the set leader. I have really enjoyed this group's sets. They have this bass player that knows his bass! I really dig his licks. Check it out yourself. You know it's the guy I'm talking about because he's a 20 something with dirty blonde, chin length dreds. (at least that's what it looks like to me.)

I promise, I will stop raving about the prayer room- As soon as I run out of things that I want to tell you.

Last Day

Today is the last day to watch the prayer room for free. Don't worry if you've missed it. You can also enjoy a free feed during the Global Bridegroom Fast and you can also watch the regular IHOP service feed on Fri., Sat. evenings, Sunday morning and evening. I was planning on waiting until today to resubscribe, but I have been wonderfully blessed by a gift from a friend instead. I was so surprised. God is good!

Saturday, January 5, 2008

What's in a name?

Names always mean something. When I was naming my children, I was very careful to pick something that meant something I would like them to embody. Both times the names were almost prophetic. One truly is a beautiful friend, and the other is lush and green in her personality. When I was choosing this blog's name, I was not so careful. I just chose something. It wasn't until after I chose it, that I realized that it had some real meaning.

Factory workers are the under appreciated in our society. They are usually among the lower paid and overworked that do the jobs nobody wants to do, however, if these jobs didn't get done we'd all suffer. Life at the Mommy Factory is no exception.

My work is often mindless, dirty, and tiring. I work for no pay. This mommy is often overworked, underdressed, underappreciated, and deserving of a LONG vacation with pay. But what an honor to work at this company. If I didn't keep plodding away my children would be left to the care of strangers, educated in an overcrowded system whose values oppose mine, and then shuffled off to a daycare facility where they could (and probably would) come down with every possible childhood condition, be fed nutritional crap, and finally sent home for me to "enjoy" for the few hours that remain in the day before we all collapse into bed.

Umm...I think I'll pass thanks. Factory work is definitely the life for me.

Sometimes I take my brain off automated pilot and think and think and think. Sometimes the thoughts swirl so much it's hard to catch just what they were. What better place then to organize all those thoughts than a blog that gets lost in cyber space? I hang those thoughts on my own company bulletin board, and maybe, just maybe one of my fellow co-workers will stop by and read it over.

Welcome to the C&C Mommy Factory.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Praising my Saviour, all the day long

I've felt so good these past few days. I have had wonderful times of prayer and praise, and like always, I feel great because of them. You would think I would learn to live this lifestyle, but alas I am unwise. I have too often let this area of my life slip and try to live in my own strength. This usually produces some kind of a funk which I find hard to climb back out of. God is so faithful. He's always there waiting for my return, and has never chastised me for leaving it all behind in the first place. I praise Him for His faithfulness, His steadfast love which never ceases, and His mercies that are new every morning.

I have really been enjoying the free prayer room feed. I think I'll enjoy if for a few more days for free before I resubscribe. I keep wavering on which level I want to pay for. I would really like the $25 feed with archives and all the bells and whistles, but I could live with the more affordable $10 feed without archives. I guess if I go with the less expensive feed, I can get a cd or two. Yeah me! I have a plan!

Thursday, January 3, 2008

a little randomness

Here's a few random thoughts for you. Don't ask, just feel the randomness...

Don't be sad, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

There's no crying in baseball.

Hello? Is it me your looking for?

The very first time I saw your brown eyes...

...A little seasoning.

What's happening hot stuff?

I got the music in me, I got the music in me!

Tweaking my schedule

With the arrival of Thanksgiving an interruption in my schedule always occurs-every year, without fail, for the past 5 Thanksgivings that I've been a full time mom. I try, but not very hard, sad to say, to not allow it to happen, but I guess it's not that important to me. Usually the month of December is almost a total wash as far as eating right and staying on task go. I guess we get caught up in the season and are really looking forward to a break from the norm.

Now that the holidays are over, at least until next month (lunar new year don't ya know) it's time to tweak the schedule. I had one that I liked pretty well which I'll probably just go ahead and use, but I'm going to play with it a bit to make sure it's one I really like and can use.

I've got to start planning my meals again and getting my children to eat breakfast everyday. You would think breakfast would be easy enough, but 9yo isn't usually hungry in the morning and 4yo just wants to watch some TV. If I let them eat when they want, we're serving breakfast all morning until lunchtime and then who wants lunch? It starts a viscous cycle. Lunch is late, then dinner is late and who wants to cook so late in the evening? Or worse yet, who wants to cook and then clean up? which lets dishes in the sink until morning that I'd have to wash before breakfast... and the whole thing starts again. You can see why everyone eating breakfast is important.

It's the small things that make a difference.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

7 day free trial

Just found out IHOP is having a free 7 day trial of the prayer room from Jan. 1-7.

woo-hoo!! I wanted to resubscribe anyway. That's how I found out.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to you. We've been busy the last 2 days visiting family. We finally had our trip to Grandma's house. It was nice, but not the same. I'm not gonna complain though. There's always next year.

As we've begun a new year, I've been thinking a lot about what it will hold. There are many changes I'd like to make in my life. Some of them seem a little scary. It's good to know that God holds me in the palm of His hand and knows and has ordered my days. Even if I stumble He always makes a way. When I look back through the years I see His handiwork in my life. I praise Him for His faithfulness and steadfast love.

My New Year's Eve was not the way I would have planned it, but still very nice. We had dinner with a friend, played games at the church, went "home" to my parents' and prayed the new year in. What a nice way to start a new year-seeking God's face. I've felt a real pull lately to spend more time doing precisely that.

Happy New Year! May you be blessed and prosper in all you set your hands to do. May the glory of the Lord shine upon you and may you come to know Him in a deeper way this year.