Saturday, January 12, 2008

A big puddle of mess

That's the way I feel right now. I don't feel good. I don't even feel kinda good. I've not been sleeping. The first night it happened I thought it was the coke too close to bedtime. The second night I thought I was over tired. The third night I saw the truth of it. Not only have I had trouble falling asleep, I've had trouble staying asleep. This morning I've been crying for the past 2 and a half hours. You'd think I'd be cried out, but naw, I think I could cry some more.

Sometimes I think I'm so sure of something and feel okay about it for a while, then fear breaks in and totally undoes me. I know I am not to live in fear. Perfect love cast out fear, His perfect love. I just feel so uncertain and so gross, and have really needed a big Daddy hug. I laid and prayed a long time this morning, and felt some of the tension go, but I need even more peace. I feel like I just want to be turned inside out and hosed off down on the inside, in the innermost parts of me. Oh, yuck, what a feeling.