Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Another one bites the dust...

da da duh duh duh, another one bites the dust....It's ringing round and round in my head. Enough already.

You see, this morning I got up and hopped in the shower. It was quiet in here, both girls were still sleeping soundly. I took a nice long shower, free of worry for the first time in several weeks. Free to think. Just think. Not obsess. The load had rolled ever so slightly off my shoulders. I was breathing. I was getting a glimpse of what it felt like to be free in ones mind. Leasurely I lathered up and let my mind wander. My thoughts still turned to the same things, only this time instead of instant dread, there was a calm. I was able to think about people without feeling sick with worry, dread or guilt. My thoughts were even a little relieved. I sat down to let the water wash over me and enjoy more of my thoughts. From one thing to another they skipped, enjoying the ease of the memories instead of feeling each one sting and burn. I don't know how my thoughts leaped to this, well, wait a minute. Now I do. Anyway, I thought of my husband telling me one of our former friends, one of his co-workers, was getting a divorce. Immediatly my mind went there. Da da duh duh duh...another on bites the dust. Over and over the song played as my thoughts stuck there for a second. Shutting off the water and reaching for my towel it played on. What gives one courage to leave and another to stay? Are they both motivated by fear? Fear of things never changing. Or hope? Hope that maybe they will. For one that fear drives them to seek greener pastures. For the other, it paralyzes them to stay.

I don't feel so peaceful anymore. And on it plays. Another one bites the dust.