Friday, March 21, 2008


It's probably no surprise, if you've read any of my posts over the last few months, that I have been really struggling personally. I'm usually a very strong person, but it all got to be a little too much for me and I buckled under the weight. My mind became filled with things that I am not, will never be, and never have. My heart grew sick from lack of hope. I was not feeling at all like myself. I questioned everything around me. Who am I why am I here, who am I with, and will I ever be or accomplish anything? I can't really say I've gotten any closer to the answering the questions that plague me. I have had some new light shed into a few dark corners of the innermost parts of me. I've come face to face with my reality and accepted my lot in life.

This wasn't a case of the winter blues (they feel different-I do get them in the winter...all that darkness). This was a severe case of self. I can't say I'm through it yet. I had myself a good long hard cry yesterday-2 of them. I may cry a little more, but I don't dread the tears. They are healing. They are moments of clarity. I've cried more in the past few months than I have in 15(?) years. I'm not typically a weeper. I'm usually quite happy, and if I'm not, I keep a stiff upper lip. How freeing to indulge in a good hardy cry. Freeing to embrace the bleakness of my own soul, just for a bit. I don't wanna hurt anymore. I don't want to carry the load. I realize that by keeping it in, pretending it's fine,and that I'm okay that I'm not only being a liar, but I'm also not allowing God to carry me. In my weakness, He is strong.

I will walk through this alone (except for Christ of course). I will heal and I will be so much stronger. I refuse-REFUSE to carry it any longer. I refuse to let the memories linger, the woulda-coulda-shoulda-beens eat me alive, or to allow the wonderful dreams in the night haunt me in my waking hours anymore. So I will cry, I will be angry,pound my fists or even curse a blue streak all in the name of clarity and healing.

Yes, it may be ugly. I may not always write what is pleasant or nice or even very 'christian', but know it will be the truth. Read it or don't. I gotta be me.