Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Today I Cried

Make that cry. I'm still weepy.

As I was sitting in the sanctuary of my shower my thoughts drifted towards Christmas. This year everything is turned upside down. We are having Christmas dinner at my mother's house. Exactly what we've been trying to get my grandmother to agree to for the past few years. We always had Christmas at her house. We didn't just have dinner. We spent the whole day. She expected us as early as possible. Forget opening presents Christmas morning. uh-uh. She expected us so early that we started opening them Christmas Eve. No Santa Claus for me. We ate at 12:00 sharp. Lunch was spread out on the table, every one seated. This year no hurrying my children through presents. No mad dash to make it to Grandma's in time for a 1:00 lunch. Then it hit me. We aren't having Christmas at Grandma's. My uncle won't be waiting for us. Lunch won't have to be delayed. We aren't going.

We aren't going. My uncle won't be there. It had to sink in. He's gone. I tried to imagine not hearing his laugh as the kids tugged their toys out of his teasing arms. I tried to imagine not hearing him sing some goofy bluegrass or country song. I can't. He's alwasy been there.

My thoughts then turned to my Grandma. How much time do we still have with her? Suddenly rushing over to Grandma's seemed like a treasure, not a burden. Memories of my youth came flooding back as I felt the warm of the house, and heard all the familiar voices laughing. singing. Time is so cruel. If only I could be small again, my loved ones all surrounding me- small enough to fit in my grandma's lap as she sang me some song from her youth.

We aren't going this year. This year will be a new memory. My first Christmas at my mother's house. I'll treasure every moment. Drink in everyone there. We never know how much time we have left.