Monday, June 16, 2008

ahhhh....FREAK OUT!

(can't ya just hear the disco rhythm?)

I spent some time with a dear mother in the Lord yesterday. Her husband of 51 years died a few weeks ago following a battle with cancer. They did a quick quiet burial and then held a memorial service yesterday. They had been in the ministry most of their marriage. I really respect this lady as she truly shows the love of Christ. Sometimes, she is a little ...uh..unorthodox? in her methods though. It takes all kinds. I love that she's not afraid to just be who she is.

As the evening was winding down, a few of us were sitting outside around the table and she looks at me and says very sternly, "When are you gonna let go of that Word you have in you?"

I was completely thrown. "Uh...." I nervously giggle, "I don't know. I didn't know I had one."

"You do," she says," so let it out." And then she goes right back to the conversation she had been having. A few minutes later she looks at me and says, "I'm ready for my Word now." I stare blankly. Uh...."Come On! I'm hurting and I want a Word from YOU!" I get it. That kind of Word. She looks sternly at me. "Come ON! Get over here!"
I am completely flabbergasted. What'll I do?!! I don't feel I have ANYTHING inside of me. I feel like I'm the one in need. How do I deliver like THIS? Another one of the ladies comes over and says "God loves you." and hugs me for what seems like an eternity. I am never comfortable with churchy hugs, let alone one that last for minutes. MINUTES! I'm just standing there thinking How long will she hug me?
Meanwhile the other lady has gone back again to her other conversation. A few minutes later one of the few ladies left walks over (she had been completely oblivious to what had been said and asked of me.) and starts to pray for and minster to the new widow. As they were drawing to a close, and I am earnestly seeking out the quickest and easiest excuse to get outta there, the widow looks at me and sternly says, "You had the same Word!" and gives me "the look." ouch! I wanted to run away as quickly as possible.

I felt so embarrassed and like such a failure. Here is this older sister in the Lord, indeed, in need of ministry and prayer, and seeking it from Lil' Ole Me and what do I do? Crumble and crack and fail. I couldn't even udder a "God Loves You." The only thing I could think was "WHO ME?? I'M NOTHING." It was screaming inside my head. I know this lady was not looking to embarrass me but rather to encourage me to step out of my comfort zone and step up to the plate.

Inside I'm wondering if she knows, does she see what I really am? I'm never been first choice for anything. Always sloppy seconds, and never chosen for anything. What do I have to offer? What do I have to give? I've been passed over time and time again. Never good enough. Always a failure. I don't preach, lead music, or teach(adults). I sing in the home, but I'm not the first choice. I barely peck away at the piano, and scarcely pluck away on the guitar. I wasn't marriage material, or worthy of "waiting" for. People's eyes don't linger on me to admire my beauty, or sit at my feet to hear my wisdom. I'm not a great mom, or daughter or wife. Just okay. average. plain. I was picked on, hurt and abused. Never never never good enough. Can't she see that?! Can't she see God doesn't speak to me that way? I wasn't even first choice for my own mother. Nope. I was the one she didn't want. How could this lady expect so much from me?

I was completely caught off guard. It's not like I wouldn't like to be used by God in that way. In fact, i would really really like it. I'm just held captive by this feeling of having never measured up. I'm sure everyone that looks at me sees it. Cant she?

Instead she looked at me for a moment as God ( I believe with my head, but not wholly with my heart) does. She was seeing the potential. Who I could be. Oh man! and what did I do? I failed. I went to bed quite crest fallen. I began to remember all those moments in my life I had failed or been passed over. I wept a few salty tears, and inwardly asked God to release me. More fuel for the altar. I emptied out a little more and then fell into a deep deep sleep. Today, eh...who cares. So I'm not what she saw. Maybe,...maybe I could be.