Monday, February 16, 2009

Who am I?

I've been thinking these words for quite a few weeks. Self reflection seems to be my specialty. For the past few weeks the theme seems to be about The Blog.

Who am I? Why am I writing? What do I hope to achieve?

I am a mom. I have thoughts. I have sometimes very deep thoughts with no where to take them. Sometimes I have very frivolous thoughts with still no where to take them. Hubs works hours that should not be legal (and I'm not sure they really are.) Kids are too young and inappropriate dumping grounds. Mom-friends have busy lives full of their own husbands and kids. I guess it seems reasonable then that I blog.

But I struggle with something. The writing for me vs. the wanting to be popular. I see the "cool blogs" the "it blogs" the "now blogs" and cant' help wishing I were one of them. My site meter for last week recorded exactly 3 visits. Now I realize I posted very little. But still, 3???? Kind of makes the whole self esteem thing go swoosh! right down the ole crapper.

Then the part of me that blogs for me reminds me (like how I said that?) that hits don't matter. Scores of comments don't matter. Popularity does not matter. I write because I need to. I write because it's what I've always done when I need someone to really talk to.

Trusting those words to a more public forum though,...I think it's changed it all a little bit.

Suddenly I care if someone comments. I care if the site meter jumps. I care to be cool.

And cool, I am not.

I am so non-mainstream. Exactly when I became this...I can't exactly pinpoint. Maybe it just always was. To not follow the crowd. To be an individual. To do what I do because that's who I am.

That is me.

Popularity....not so much.

I tell myself that if someone is marked by the words I type, then, Great! but that isn't my reason for writing. Somehow though....I don't think I totally buy it.