4am

Morning of Easter.

I lay myself at the tender feet of Jesus. I think what a sacrifice He made for me. Only He can blow across my garden and bring warmth. His love makes the dark light again. In His presence there is fullness. Why is it so difficult for me to allow Him to heal me? I feel stony, callused, and cold as steel.

I'm thankful that when I've neglected and rebuffed Him, He hasn't turned away from me. I'm thankful that despite the wicked intent of my heart, He loves me. He knew me, and yet He loved me. I cannot comprehend how He stands with His arms wide open waiting for me to fall into them time after time. I cannot grasp how He is able to pick me up and dust me off over and over and over. What manner of love is this? While yet in my sin, He died for me. He chose to take on my sin, my guilt, my shame, and my punishment.

I am dark and yet He calls me lovely. I am forever grateful.

Your love is like...

.... a room
Full of precious jewels
Your kisses overflow
There's riches beyond words
When it's just me and you
I can't remember storms
All i can do
Is melt into your arms

Healing

It's probably no surprise, if you've read any of my posts over the last few months, that I have been really struggling personally. I'm usually a very strong person, but it all got to be a little too much for me and I buckled under the weight. My mind became filled with things that I am not, will never be, and never have. My heart grew sick from lack of hope. I was not feeling at all like myself. I questioned everything around me. Who am I why am I here, who am I with, and will I ever be or accomplish anything? I can't really say I've gotten any closer to the answering the questions that plague me. I have had some new light shed into a few dark corners of the innermost parts of me. I've come face to face with my reality and accepted my lot in life.

This wasn't a case of the winter blues (they feel different-I do get them in the winter...all that darkness). This was a severe case of self. I can't say I'm through it yet. I had myself a good long hard cry yesterday-2 of them. I may cry a little more, but I don't dread the tears. They are healing. They are moments of clarity. I've cried more in the past few months than I have in 15(?) years. I'm not typically a weeper. I'm usually quite happy, and if I'm not, I keep a stiff upper lip. How freeing to indulge in a good hardy cry. Freeing to embrace the bleakness of my own soul, just for a bit. I don't wanna hurt anymore. I don't want to carry the load. I realize that by keeping it in, pretending it's fine,and that I'm okay that I'm not only being a liar, but I'm also not allowing God to carry me. In my weakness, He is strong.

I will walk through this alone (except for Christ of course). I will heal and I will be so much stronger. I refuse-REFUSE to carry it any longer. I refuse to let the memories linger, the woulda-coulda-shoulda-beens eat me alive, or to allow the wonderful dreams in the night haunt me in my waking hours anymore. So I will cry, I will be angry,pound my fists or even curse a blue streak all in the name of clarity and healing.

Yes, it may be ugly. I may not always write what is pleasant or nice or even very 'christian', but know it will be the truth. Read it or don't. I gotta be me.

humbling

How humbling to find that my blog is reaching a whole 2 subscribers-one of whom is me. Shouldn't be a surprise considering the fact that sitemeter lets me know who is visiting. I don't know why it should matter. I guess it's knowing that not only have I failed to make a splash in the real world but in the blogging world as well. Oh how very small I am.

A little self Indulgence

Forgive my self indulgence with song lyrics lately, but they speak. I saw new meaning in these words today. It reminds me of blowing air across a cavity just to make sure it's still there. The "Hurt" here, doesn't have to mean in the physical (read self mutilation) sense. Think about it. No wonder Cash had to do a cover of it.


Hurt
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

What 57 Bucks buys

A few nights ago was grocery night. I had not been to the store for almost 2 weeks. We were starting to run out of fresh fruits and veggies. I was amazed at how little I actually did need. I passed right through milk and breezed right past the meats.

I spent $57 dollars. Half of what I usually spend. I chalk it up to having a well stocked freezer and pantry, taking advantage of sales and buying more when I can.
Here's what $57 bucks bought.

Kashi Go Lean! cereal
sm box jello
lg box pudding
passover Matza
whole wheat pasta
2 gallons of water
4 seltzers
Ovaltine drink mix
juice
4 individual baking potatoes (i don't have room to store a whole bag right now.)
1 VERY large tub of organic lettuce
2 quarts of strawberries
3 100% fruit roll ups
pint of alfalfa sprouts
bag of organic spinache
pint of organic grape tomatoes
2 bags frozen organic green beans
quart of organic Kefir (we did buy a little dairy)
2 pounds of butter (on sale, 1 for the freezer)
6pack organic yogurt
16oz sour cream

I don't know whether I should be proud or embarassed. When you write it all out like that it doesn't look like much, but it was mostly organics and name brand items. I'm sure I could do better and many do. I could make my own kefir, yogurt, and sour cream and I could buy more generic store brand stuff. I do notice a taste difference on some things so I stick to brand names on those.

How bout you? what does $57 bucks buy?

Idol Rant

I wasn't home last night during Idol's usual airing time so I watched it this afternoon with 4yo. I know this won't make me very popular with a lot of folks, but can I just say that I totally don't get Beatles Mania. I like 'em, but not to the point of screaming, jumping up and down, or fainting. Having said that, you'll understand why I have fast forwarded through most of the Idol performances for the past 2 weeks. The only song I hoped to hear, "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," nobody was brave enough to touch (unless someone did and I fast forwarded through it). I was pleased someone did "Michelle" and "Yesterday". Did anyone attempt "Hey Jude"? Nope. Overall I was bored stiff. Maybe it just shows my nonconformist ways. Never one to join in with the cool or popular stuff, I don't go ga-ga for the Beatles.

connections problems

I'm going to take a minute and bash Verizon. Everyone I know that uses Verizon has been having connections issues lately. What's with that? Last night I was in the middle of the "I need thee" post and my connection died. I played with it last night for about a half hour and finally gave up. This morning I got up and played around with it for an hour before finally giving in and calling Verizon. I went throught the automated help thing and it ran a check on my line. AS SOON AS it started to run the line test, the modem lights went green. I just hung up. Ergh! At least it's back up and running now.

I need thee

I need Thee every hour Most Gracious Lord
No tender will but Thine can peace afford
I need Thee O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now my Saviour I come to Thee

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby
Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh
I need Thee O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now my Saviour I come to Thee


I need thee every hour in joy or pain
come quickly and abide O life is vain
I need Thee O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O Bless me now my Saviour I come to Thee

I need Thee every hour teach me Thy will
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill
I need Thee O I need Thee
every hour I need Thee
O bless me now my Saviour I come to Thee

I need Thee every hour Most Holy One
O make me Thine indeed Thou Blessed Son
I need thee O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now my Saviour I come to Thee

-Annie S. Hawkins 1872

Revival

My parents were asked to do the praise and worship at some meetings over the weekend. Of course, Miss Curiosity tagged along. I just couldn't stand not knowing what I was or was not missing. The speaker was pretty good. His messages were uplifting, although they didn't present any new thoughts or anything. His delivery style was definatly old time firey. Overall, I'd have to say I enjoyed it. He is one of the few speakers I've heard in a long, long time that didn't leave me with the impression he thought he was so much more high and holy than I. That in itself was very refreshing. He freely admitted his speach wasn't eloquent and his musical skills aren't much. What he lacked in those areas he made up for in sincerity. I would say the overall theme for the past 4 nights has been (even though he had different sermons each night) Jesus is coming, prepare the way. It was really confirmation of what I have been feeling lately.

Jesus is coming. I believe the time is short. We need to be about our Father's business.