This and That

Did you get LOST last night? Just when I thought I was getting bored with this season, thinking it's becoming predictable, they threw me a curve ball. Finally. It's the whole reason I like the show-not being able to figure out just where we're going next. The whole Desmond story line was a nice change of pace. It reminded me of the Butterfly Effect oddly enough. The whole conscience traveling through time and when one returns after to many of these trips the person shows signs of brain malfunctioning and bloody noses. All in all though I was pleased to see something a little different. I like the mystery of it.

I mentioned our cds came last Friday. We've been listening to them in the car. They are pretty enjoyable. I find myself singing one of the songs over and over. For some reason it sticks out above all the others. It's so catchy. I listen and think, wow, this is a good scripture I should have them learn this one first, and then when the next song comes on I change my mind. This mornings wowiest(how do ya like that word?) moment was Psalm 37:4-6. I listened to it several times over. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him and He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." It speaks right to the place I've been lately. Feeling like I'm spinning my wheels, wanting to take over the driver seat and git-r-done. Then I'm quietly reminded to simply delight in Him. Oh, how I love Him.

On the home front, I woke up this morning with only a squeak of a voice. I don't feel badly, but I've been fighting something off for the past week. I guess this is the culmination of it all. I shouldn't have even tried to teach this afternoon, but the other moms seemed to be struggling within themselves so I happily went about my duties. I got the kids' attention, told them they had to listen very carefully, and went to work. Not only did they listen, but they responded back in the same whispered tone I was using. I had to remind them to speak up so everyone could hear. One of the young men in particular seemed to want to take special care of me. He's such a delight. He's progressed with his abilities both as a student and as a young man. 10yo did an especially nice piece of artwork today. She took her dear sweet time, even when she was the last one still working and the others were playing.

It started to snow pretty heavily around 2:00. One of the moms wanted to bolt out the door but I reminded her that if she left right then, the roads would not be treated yet and even more slippery. She stayed put and sure enough, before long the state trucks went through and proved my point for me. Despite being treated, it took us almost double the time to get home. It was tempting to move a little faster than 45, but the first accident along the side of the road reminded me to keep it steady. In total we passed 4 wrecks. I'm not looking forward to yet another Friday night home alone, but I don't know how to remedy that. I think we're gonna order a ppv movie and have some salads for dinner.

these things ....linger.

I posted this a few days ago, then took it down when I felt like too big of a hypocrite. Now, I think I want to put it back up. The words still hang in the air over me. I need to be reminded of them.


It's Not about Me
When I look at my relationships, my lack of fulfillment, my loneliness, my circumstances
My desire to have more, be more, do more
My focus is on me.
me, me, me.
I am reminded time and time again,
when I'm whining to the Lord,
that my life is not about me.
It's not about what I have, or what I don't or what I want or need.
I was put here for His pleasure.
when I live as a being that knows it's purpose,
I am fulfilled.
When I put the focus on me, I am miserable.
So, I climb back up on the cross again. I lay my desires down, and look to Him.
"Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness and (then) all these things will be added to you."

Survey Says!

This post isn't very original, but I thought it may be fun. I found it over at Much Forgiven.

1. First thing you wash in the shower? hair

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? Doesn't really count as a hoodie, it's a brown corduroy zippy

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Of course, probably will have 3-8 more before the day is through.

4.Do you plan outfits? ick, no. I don't have that kinda of time, or inclination.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? peaceful


6. Whats the closest thing to you that's red? a pen


7. Do you say aim or a-i-m? AIM

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
Oooo. It was last night. I dreamed about this friend I used to know. He was watching me dig a ditch outside my parents house (even though it looked like my house.) It was very elaborate with the digging and the sweating and trying to make sure it was deep enough to install some new weird looking part thing. I was doing it cause even though they have a son, he shirks his duty. My friend was just watching me. Then my parents began to tell me about this house some of our other friends used to live in. the people they had bought it from had sold it to someone else who was about to lose it cause they couldn't pay the taxes and didn't i wanna buy it so I could raise all those alpacas I'd been dreaming of? They'd help me pay for it, if I did the work. I said sounds nice, but (laying my hand gently on the friends arm) what does he think? This is puzzling to me, cause in the dream it's not like we were together. It was more like real life where I knew we had crushed on one another but were too polite to ever do anything about it. In the meantime, I'm all dirty and sweaty and we go into the house (which now looks like my childhood home) and I tell my mom and dad my throat is sore and I may be getting a cold. This is after of course the young man in question walks into the other room. They tell me to shhhh. Something's about to happen. I say what? puzzled but know that they mean he's asked their permission to marry me. He comes back around the corner and says, nervously, so he bumbles the words, "My I have your finger in my hand to take a walk?" I chuckle and walk out the front door and suddenly we're walking and talking (which this friend and I had done quite often. We end up at this playground. Suddenly I'm watching someone who doesn't look like me But is supposed to be me (first time I've ever observed myself in a dream.) She (or I rather) and this friend are swinging. I know what he wants to say but doesn't have the courage too and since I have a cold and am shy I walk over to a different set of swings. He looks at me, and looks at her (who represents me) and says finally would you mind coming over here I have something to say. I walk over and sit opposite him on one of those double front to front swings (the kind with the seats on backyard swingsets.) He awkwardly says he loves me and would I marry him and I just kiss him-meanwhile I'm watching this other person that's supposed to be me?) and I'm thinking or maybe I say, but i don't want you to get my cold. It's the first kiss and it's awkward and sloppy. Then suddenly i flash forwards through time and we're kissing again and sitting in a restaurant toasting one another on our one year anniversary. I wonder in the dream how we got there so we're instantly transported again through time and see it all take place. The time frame of the engagement, visiting the house with the alpacas. I saw dogs, and land and so many many details. It was so strange. The whole theme was courtship rather than dating. This guy remained single for a long time (never married yet, but has adopted his brother's kids). I saw him last Christmas with a pretty woman looking at stocking stuffers and smiling his great smile. I guess that's what brought on the dream. I never went to talk to him cause I'm so embarassed about my looks.

9. Did you meet anybody new today? Not yet, but we're going out for groceries soon so there's still time.

10. What are you craving right now? Something home cooked and yummy. comfort food.

12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? sauerkraut

13. When was the last time you talked on aim? last night to my good, good friend. <3

14. Are you emotional? No, not externally anyway.

15. Would you dance to the taco song? hold on I'll Google it....Are you kidding? I started to jiggle around instantly. 8D

16. Have you ever counted to 1,000? yeah, I was such a weird kid.

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? cones no, in a bowl yes.

18. Do you like your hair? Yes, love it, that's why I'm sad that I may have to cut some more of the lenght.

19. Do you like yourself? Not mostly.

20. Have you ever met a celebrity? A few minor ones. Ever heard of Christafari? or DC Talk? Didn't think so.

21. Do you like cottage cheese? with pineapple

22. What are you listening to right now? the sound of chattering kids, "no burritos, just tacos, no" ringing in my head and The Pilgrimage on Itunes. 23

23. How many countries have you visited? 2

24. Are your parents strict? Yes, but I appreciate it now.

25. Would you go sky diving? Oh, Can We?!!

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Of course, especially if he's buying. Then I can add a celebrity to my list.

27. Would you throw potatoes at him? Of course not. He might make some poor decisions but all in all I like the bumbler.

28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? does my smile count?
29. Have you ever been in a castle? no. But take me if you ever get the chance.

30. Do you rent movies often? Redbox.

32. Have you made a prank phone call? I'll never tell.

34. Can you count backwards from 74? who cant?


36. Brown or white eggs? brown

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? barrettes, maybe.

38. Ever been on a train? Yes! I love trains!!!

39. Ever been in love? Just read some more of the posts. duh?

40. Do you have a cell-phone? a nokia

41. Are you too forgiving? Yes. Forgetting is sometimes harder.

42. Do you use chap stick? Burt's Bees please.

43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow? hmmm, what's the right answer for this one?

44. Can you use chop sticks? I am the chopstick queen.

45. Ever have cream puffs? mmmmm, cream puffs.

46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? It's so weird, but I think about that kind of time travel type stuff all the time.

47. What was the last question you asked? Can you please help your sister in the bathroom?

51. Is your hair curly? Only when it's much shorter...What happened to the last 3 questions?

52. Last time you cried? It's been a while. Came close last night.

53. Ever walked into a wall? ????

54. Do looks matter? beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I wish everyone else was blind.

56. Have you ever slapped someone? ...yes....

57. Favorite time of the year? Anytime when it's warm. Spring is great cause I love the new growth. Summer's a blast cause I like it HOT! Autumn is relaxing-up until it starts to turn colder than 60 degrees.

58. Favorite color? I can't choose. Shades of blue and green.

59. Are you sarcastic? not really, okay maybe, sometimes.

60. Do you have any tattoos? Ick No! And I prefer to view the scenery without all the billboards.

61. The last person you held hands with? 4yo.

62. Do you sleep with the TV on? sometimes

64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? I don't think I hate anyone. Dislike a few, distrust a bit more.

65. Do you like your life right now? no.

66. How often do you talk on the phone? not that often.

67. What is your favorite animal? something fluffy

68. What was the most recent thing you bought? Cold medicine and 3 pillows.

69. Do you have good vision? I think,... I don't where glasses anyway.

70. Can you hula hoop? It's been a while.

71. Could you ever forgive a cheater? I don't know...I can be a real doormat.

72. Do you have a job? Domestic Engineer. The pay is terrible, but the benefits are great.

73. Can you handle the truth? Yes please. I hate liars.

74. What are you wearing? jeans, an old t-shirt.

75. Have you ever crawled through a window? Of course! That's some kinda fun!

I am what I am...

...and that's all I can be. I can only be me, and "do" me. I can't live my life for anyone else, and I can't conform to the expectations of others. Love me, or leave me. What an epiphany. I woke up with such a feeling of relief today. I can't quite exactly put my finger on what brought it, but I have a few ideas. Wow! Only one who has been set free from something can truly understand how good freedom feels.

So today, here is what my geeky, nerdy, anti-mainstream self is going to partake of:
-wash dishes
-climb mount laundry once again
-sing old classic sappy songs and FEEL GOOD while I do it
-sing anything and everything that comes to mind, cause that's just what i do.
-return a few movies, but possible go see my mommy and daddy first and eat dinner with them and watch the last one with them cause I love them and miss them. Call me weird, but I like being connected to my family.
-indulge in the stupidity of American Idol. Why? Because I like to. I like to make fun of the singers, play judge, agree with Simon, and sing along.
-Not worry. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
-go to bed when I'm good and ready. I'm throwing off the guilt of bedtimes and should'a been in bed hours ago. Life is much more fun that way.
-Honor God. Yep. While I'm doing all this, I can still live a life that is hidden in Him. He's so good to me.

Corinthians Love

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I have spent the day thinking about these verses, the perfect definition of love. I learned these verses long ago. After a long night of sticking my foot in my mouth time and time again, these verses have taken on a whole new meaning. It becomes clearer and clearer.

It's amazing to me how capable we are as humans to love. We feel all types of love for many people. We love our children, our parents and family, we love our friends. These types of love are the easiest to process. I never have to question whether or not I love my children, or my parents. I just do. This kind of love just is. The kind of love that is most baffling is the type between man and woman. Romantic love. It has a way of changing and twisting and turning. It has a way of grabbing hold of you and crushing you in it's grip. It gets sweeter with time. It is it's own animal. I've know this kind of love. Each time it's come back to bite me. It changed into something very different. I love my husband but this love has changed and twisted. It was once something and now has become something else. A respect for the father of my children and for who he is as a creation. My heart, however, no longer skips beats to the rhythm of his voice.

Another love is something that gripped me long ago. It grabbed hold of me. It was young and green and therefor restless and perhaps because of it's lack of maturity doomed to fail. This is the one that haunted me. It had been dormant; covered over by the cold of life's harsh winter. While 2dormant, it was still green and immature. It never had enough time to grow strong in the warm light of day. Instead it stood frozen in time until once again it stirred. Popped up into my dreams. Invaded my night time thoughts. I gave light to this love. Took it out of it's little glass box and held it in my hand. I turned it over. Thought of it. Watered it. Gave it light. At first this love stayed young and green. It had not yet bloomed. But time, change and personal growth made it strong. In it's strength it matured. Became sweet. At first bite it had been bitter in my belly. But as I stayed with it, looked at it closely under the magnifying glass and umbrella of God's help I see it for what it is. It is still strong and real as it ever was. But the light, the water and warmth made it content to stay hidden. Changed it even more. This once green bitter love, became a strong root. Friendship. Respect. Something that does not seek its own way or demand to be fed. It's become long suffering, easy to forgive, trusting and content to stay right where it is. In the safety of a friendship. The memory is losing it's bite. The loss becoming numb to it's sting. What once drove me to the brink of madness to understand, is now understood. Knowing it once was, and was real, and happened is enough. Knowing it is still there, real, and alive though changed, is enough. I am now capable of taking it out of it's glass case, and giving it back to the One from where if first came. It is His to tend now. His to keep. And I am free.

When 2 worlds collide

It happened to me yesterday. My two worlds collided; my reality and my dream escape. It made me uncomfortable. I tried to play it cool, but I'm afraid it showed. Today during our long drive home I had more than a minute or two to think it over. It's not a complete thought yet, so bear with me, you may be hearing this all more than once.

In a perfect world there wouldn't be this strained dichotomy. In my perfect world fiction would become fact and my reality a mere memory. Better yet, reality would be erased from even the deepest recesses of my mind. In my perfect world there would be plenty of cuddles, lots of words, and an assurance of love. At least that's what I once thought. Today a new thought sprung into my conscience. If I really had that which I so long for, would it really turn out to be so perfect? Would I appreciate it? Is it better left as a dream?

A few weeks ago someone spoke of a love so moving that they were satisfied just knowing it happened once. I half heartedly agreed thinking that I would rather have it in the here and now rather than as a once upon a time story. It has been at the back of my thoughts, not fully emerging into a full thought until today. I too may be content to live with it as that sweet dream that visits me during the night hours rather being faced with it in the present and find it to be a sham. When it lives only within my dreams, it pierces only me.

Have I told you lately?

Have I mentioned recently how much I love the Prayer Room stream from IHOP? I do. I do, I do, I do. I was listening for hours and hours a day when I was first given the subscription gift. (thanks again. The best gift ever. I love you.) I decided I should probably mix it up a little and started listening to some Elijah streams a little more. This week I've been listening to jazz and blues stuff. That's okay for recreation but doesn't satisfy. It is so refreshing to put on the prayer room and (rewind if I need to) find a set that I like and get swept away. I try to tune in at least once a day, sometimes it's only for a few minutes. Wednesday and today it was a full 2 hour set. Time flew. I got swept away and didnt' even realize it. I put on the headphones and get carried away. The kids play, or work on math (10yo has been so pokey with it lately) or watch one or two of their educational shows.

Friday "Book"

My favorite breakfast of the moment happens to be steel cut oats. Yum. I just had a nice steaming bowlful. Too late to be called breakfast though. Chewy and textured mixed with creamy and hot. Add a little salt and a spoon full of sugar and it's enough to keep me filled for hours. Not only is it filling, but full of fiber and protein. How can you go wrong eating the stuff? 4yo isn't as impressed with it as 10 yo and I. She gets cold cereal instead. Of course, it's not as filling so within an hour she's asking for something else. I try to make her wait until we're all hungry, but that can be painful and difficult for those of us that have to deal with her when she's hungry.

This week has simply flown for me. I look back and feel like we've done very little that's productive, but maybe I need to redefine productive for me. I'm so stuck in the mindset that we're not getting anything accomplished unless we've checked a bunch of lessons off and logged hours and hours of school. It's hard for me to look at things like a day of play with our friends, or spending the day cooking with daddy as productive. I'm such a black and white type thinker. There is little room for gray in my universe. Things either are or aren't. When something falls somewhere in the middle, it is very hard for me to accept it as truth. Living in the gray is like living in the middle of chaos for me. I want and need things to swing back to either black or white. That sense of limbo is more than I can take.

Things here on the home front have been very quiet. A sense of being lulled back to sleep and forgetfulness has taken over once again. Perhaps I shouldn't allow myself to fall into this false comfort, but the known is often so much easier than the unknown. How else could I live the way I have for so long? It's much easier to just live in a place of numbness than to feel the real emotions. Every now and again I start to stir out of the coma and begin to feel the reality, but very quickly I remind myself to fall back to sleep and slip once more into a place of numbness. Again, this is one of those black or white type issues for me. Is it that I'm living with an altered reality, or am I being faithful and steady? I'd like to think that having done all I can do to stand, I simply stand. I wait patiently on the Lord. I wait for his promised deliverance and salvation. Every time I get stirred up, and begin to feel as though I will burst and I begin to cry out to Him, I am reminded of that verse. I'm reminded in prayer when I've poured myself out and come to the place of quietness again. I'm reminded at every turn it seems. Stand. Be firm. Of good cheer. So simple and often so hard. It's easy to become impatient and try to push things along as fast as my finite mind can think. That's when I am reminded once again, that He is infinite. He's seen the end from the very beginning and has a hope and a future for me. He will not leave me, nor forsake me, or fail to bring about help or deliverance for me. What manner of love is this? In Him is stillness, and peace. He has been my rock and my hiding place. He has been the One I look to. The One in whom I trust. He is, so I don't have to be. How comforting to know He is with me. I am not alone.

We are home today, btw, because some of the moms were nervous about the weather. I think they played into all the hype that tv weatherman can sometimes stir up and decided to call a snow day. On one hand I was glad, because I truthfully like to sleep. I don’t' know how else to put it. I often have difficulty settling in, but once I'm in those nice cozy blankets and the sleep fairy has visited, I don’t' like to be wakened until I'm good and ready. One of the kids had a nasty, nasty cold Tuesday and shared the love a bit. I've been fighting off a cold all week. 10yo woke up with a sore throat yesterday. Anyway last night at bedtime, I felt my head getting all foggy and my throat getting sore, so I turned to the trusted benedryl to dry it up. It's the one product that works for me, but it makes me so sleepy. This morning when it was time to get up, it was all I could do to fumble out to the computer to see whether or not the other moms had decided to stay in for the day. I was disappointed we wouldn't be seeing everyone, but relieved that I didn't have to try to think. I stumbled back to bed in hopes of waking up a little more, and instead fell hard back to sleep. It was like I blacked out. What and odd feeling to wake up 2 hours later to realize both kids are up and about and watching tv. Guilty, I stumbled out into the living room and went about the motions of getting the day started. I hate that feeling.

Shortly I need to head out to the post office to mail a work sample. Then I need to get 10yo cranking on some real work. I'm not looking forward to staying in all weekend. I don't know what to do this evening. Tomorrow 10yo has an all day scout trip. "Ain't no sunshine when she's gone." I had really wanted to spend the weekend away at a conference all by myself. Mom and dad said they'd keep the kids and 4yo said she'd even stay with them. I decided last minute to save the hotel money and keep it instead for my private stash. We'll see how the weekend plays out.
Maybe 4yo and I will have some grand adventure somewhere.

Singin the Blues

Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, Nina Simone. Need I say more? Each one unique and yet the same. Feeling. Touching. It cuts to the heart of the emotion and says without words just what I would say.

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto

Ever get a song stuck in your mind? Happens to me all the time. Tonight's song is brought to you by Styx. Domo.