Friday, April 10, 2009

Going Off the Deep End

Have you ever watched a movie a hundred times, and on the hundred and first time you notice something you've never seen before? This winter one of my favorite all time heartbreak movies was on one of those lame cable channels. The "aha!" moment came at the end of the movie. (This is a loose quote)
"Some people say high school(childhood?) is supposed to be the best time of your life, I say it's something you try to live down for the rest of your life."

For me it's the later. That insecure girl is always just under the surface.

In general, I would say the majority of my school years were great. The one that has stuck with me, the one that I've tried to outrun, was my sophomore year. It was a year of opposites: spiritual awakening,running "wild",friends,boyfriends,dates in cars, lots of fun, tears, and depression. Sophomore year was the worst year of my entire young life, without exception or exaggeration! I can't go into all the details, but lets just say it was dark. The thought that I'm left with the most from those days is, "How can people be so mean?" I just don't understand how one can love out of one side of the mouth, and spew hatred out of the other. I don't understand how one can love today and hate tomorrow. How does one go from uplifting to trampling down?

It all came bubbling up to the surface again this week. I saw a glimpse, just a snapshot really, of someone from my former life. Immediately I felt angry and sick. It didn't take long for me to figure out why. It all boils down to forgiveness. Now forgiveness is not a new end of the pool for me. It's water I've been in many times before. Suddenly I'm back in the pool. What I find so "funny" though is that this is one of those areas that I've had to deal with time and time again. I have found it very difficult to forgive people for the actions of my last year in a public school. I think I have it licked and then bam! Time to jump in again. Each time I notice I dive down a little deeper. This time, maybe I've finally reached the bottom. Hopefully I will be able to finally forgive, and truly forget. Maybe I'll even find a new swimming hole.