Sun Day Update

Sun is shining. Kids are cleaning. Momma is playing some weird operatic type music. "Nights in White Satin" has never sounded so good. Everything sounds better in Italian. I'm sure even words like "My darling, I'm in love with another woman," are so much more palatable if the person speaking them makes music with every syllable.

My brother has left the state. He and his wife and MIL are in the process of moving to Florida as I type. Actually he's the last to leave. He should have boarded his plane about an hours ago. I'm not sad. We aren't' close any more. I guess that makes me sadder than the fact that he's leaving. About 6 years ago he moved to Oregon. I was sad he was leaving that time, and angry. He only stayed gone about 6 months or so. Who knows how long he'll be gone this time. Forever? I honestly can't say. There is a huge chasm between us, which I'm not sure will ever be crossed. I guess my mom was having difficulty with his move. She didn't say much to me about it. She called Thursday to say she was leaving Friday morning with SIL, the dogs, and SIL's mother. I was a little surprised. They were driving down and she'll fly back sometime this week.

I envy Brother a little- Getting the opportunity to move away, chasing his dreams, and having a spouse that is so very supportive of him. I don't know how I'd react if I ever had that. Probably I'd fall over and faint at the slightest hint of any kind of support like that. In 11 years, it's never happened.

Aside from my brother moving and my mom being out of state, there is nothing really new going on here.
-I've come to a new acceptance, albeit angry and bitter, about my life. Hope can be so cruel.
-I've long held to a theory, and it's been proven recently that those who declare their love the loudest are often the first to turn around and give me a swift kick in the booty. I know those that truly love me do so silently, patiently and unselfishly.
-I've been doing more research about different home school styles, curricula, and laws for our state. I'm gearing up for a change next year. 4 yo will soon be 5 and ready for a bit more of a formal type education. I've been rather busy preparing for that.

okay, break time for me is over. I've got to get hopping if I want to get the rest of my To-do list done. I hope to get outside at some point, and really enjoy this Sunny day.

Idol Rant 3/26

I have been a little on the bored side with Idol this season. Maybe it's become too predictable for me. I can fast forward through half of it and not feel like I've missed a thing. It's taken the joy out of throwing in my 2 cents worth.

The highlight of last night's show was a rendition of "Billy Jean." Brilliant. Simply Brilliant. Creepy, and dark and rock-n-rolly without murdering the original.

Michael Johns finally caught my attention with "We are the Champions." It was also nice not to hear a song from the mid to late 80's. Makes a girl feel old when she can remember when they had airplay.

My usual joy, David Archuletta did this creepy wierd (in a bad way) slit your wrist, supposed to be uplifting type song. This kid has a great voice, but sometimes his song selections leave me wanting a little bit.

Brooke White did a song I really enjoyed, can't remember what it is right this second, but it was pretty good.

Jason Castro needs to mix it up a bit, but all in all I enjoy him. He reminds of this other kid named Jason i used to know. Maybe it's his nose?

I have no clue who will actually go home this week. Chikezie, Ramiel? I just don't know.

As Flint

Because the Sovereign LORD helps me,
I will not be disgraced.
Therefore have I set my face like flint,
and I know I will not be put to shame.
Isaiah 50:7

I woke up thinking about setting my face as flint and singing about the love of Jesus.

I've been meditating on what it means to set my face as flint. Here are a 2 thoughts in no particular order and not fully formed.
-flint is a rock. It speaks of standing firm, being strong. Rocks weather the storms quite successfully.
-flint is used to make fire. When flint is stricken, it creates sparks....I'm still mulling this one over.


And in the meantime, I'm also mulling over these words:
"Your love is like the ocean,
I'm drowning in your love."

4am

Morning of Easter.

I lay myself at the tender feet of Jesus. I think what a sacrifice He made for me. Only He can blow across my garden and bring warmth. His love makes the dark light again. In His presence there is fullness. Why is it so difficult for me to allow Him to heal me? I feel stony, callused, and cold as steel.

I'm thankful that when I've neglected and rebuffed Him, He hasn't turned away from me. I'm thankful that despite the wicked intent of my heart, He loves me. He knew me, and yet He loved me. I cannot comprehend how He stands with His arms wide open waiting for me to fall into them time after time. I cannot grasp how He is able to pick me up and dust me off over and over and over. What manner of love is this? While yet in my sin, He died for me. He chose to take on my sin, my guilt, my shame, and my punishment.

I am dark and yet He calls me lovely. I am forever grateful.

Your love is like...

.... a room
Full of precious jewels
Your kisses overflow
There's riches beyond words
When it's just me and you
I can't remember storms
All i can do
Is melt into your arms

Healing

It's probably no surprise, if you've read any of my posts over the last few months, that I have been really struggling personally. I'm usually a very strong person, but it all got to be a little too much for me and I buckled under the weight. My mind became filled with things that I am not, will never be, and never have. My heart grew sick from lack of hope. I was not feeling at all like myself. I questioned everything around me. Who am I why am I here, who am I with, and will I ever be or accomplish anything? I can't really say I've gotten any closer to the answering the questions that plague me. I have had some new light shed into a few dark corners of the innermost parts of me. I've come face to face with my reality and accepted my lot in life.

This wasn't a case of the winter blues (they feel different-I do get them in the winter...all that darkness). This was a severe case of self. I can't say I'm through it yet. I had myself a good long hard cry yesterday-2 of them. I may cry a little more, but I don't dread the tears. They are healing. They are moments of clarity. I've cried more in the past few months than I have in 15(?) years. I'm not typically a weeper. I'm usually quite happy, and if I'm not, I keep a stiff upper lip. How freeing to indulge in a good hardy cry. Freeing to embrace the bleakness of my own soul, just for a bit. I don't wanna hurt anymore. I don't want to carry the load. I realize that by keeping it in, pretending it's fine,and that I'm okay that I'm not only being a liar, but I'm also not allowing God to carry me. In my weakness, He is strong.

I will walk through this alone (except for Christ of course). I will heal and I will be so much stronger. I refuse-REFUSE to carry it any longer. I refuse to let the memories linger, the woulda-coulda-shoulda-beens eat me alive, or to allow the wonderful dreams in the night haunt me in my waking hours anymore. So I will cry, I will be angry,pound my fists or even curse a blue streak all in the name of clarity and healing.

Yes, it may be ugly. I may not always write what is pleasant or nice or even very 'christian', but know it will be the truth. Read it or don't. I gotta be me.

humbling

How humbling to find that my blog is reaching a whole 2 subscribers-one of whom is me. Shouldn't be a surprise considering the fact that sitemeter lets me know who is visiting. I don't know why it should matter. I guess it's knowing that not only have I failed to make a splash in the real world but in the blogging world as well. Oh how very small I am.

A little self Indulgence

Forgive my self indulgence with song lyrics lately, but they speak. I saw new meaning in these words today. It reminds me of blowing air across a cavity just to make sure it's still there. The "Hurt" here, doesn't have to mean in the physical (read self mutilation) sense. Think about it. No wonder Cash had to do a cover of it.


Hurt
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

What 57 Bucks buys

A few nights ago was grocery night. I had not been to the store for almost 2 weeks. We were starting to run out of fresh fruits and veggies. I was amazed at how little I actually did need. I passed right through milk and breezed right past the meats.

I spent $57 dollars. Half of what I usually spend. I chalk it up to having a well stocked freezer and pantry, taking advantage of sales and buying more when I can.
Here's what $57 bucks bought.

Kashi Go Lean! cereal
sm box jello
lg box pudding
passover Matza
whole wheat pasta
2 gallons of water
4 seltzers
Ovaltine drink mix
juice
4 individual baking potatoes (i don't have room to store a whole bag right now.)
1 VERY large tub of organic lettuce
2 quarts of strawberries
3 100% fruit roll ups
pint of alfalfa sprouts
bag of organic spinache
pint of organic grape tomatoes
2 bags frozen organic green beans
quart of organic Kefir (we did buy a little dairy)
2 pounds of butter (on sale, 1 for the freezer)
6pack organic yogurt
16oz sour cream

I don't know whether I should be proud or embarassed. When you write it all out like that it doesn't look like much, but it was mostly organics and name brand items. I'm sure I could do better and many do. I could make my own kefir, yogurt, and sour cream and I could buy more generic store brand stuff. I do notice a taste difference on some things so I stick to brand names on those.

How bout you? what does $57 bucks buy?

Idol Rant

I wasn't home last night during Idol's usual airing time so I watched it this afternoon with 4yo. I know this won't make me very popular with a lot of folks, but can I just say that I totally don't get Beatles Mania. I like 'em, but not to the point of screaming, jumping up and down, or fainting. Having said that, you'll understand why I have fast forwarded through most of the Idol performances for the past 2 weeks. The only song I hoped to hear, "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," nobody was brave enough to touch (unless someone did and I fast forwarded through it). I was pleased someone did "Michelle" and "Yesterday". Did anyone attempt "Hey Jude"? Nope. Overall I was bored stiff. Maybe it just shows my nonconformist ways. Never one to join in with the cool or popular stuff, I don't go ga-ga for the Beatles.

connections problems

I'm going to take a minute and bash Verizon. Everyone I know that uses Verizon has been having connections issues lately. What's with that? Last night I was in the middle of the "I need thee" post and my connection died. I played with it last night for about a half hour and finally gave up. This morning I got up and played around with it for an hour before finally giving in and calling Verizon. I went throught the automated help thing and it ran a check on my line. AS SOON AS it started to run the line test, the modem lights went green. I just hung up. Ergh! At least it's back up and running now.

I need thee

I need Thee every hour Most Gracious Lord
No tender will but Thine can peace afford
I need Thee O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now my Saviour I come to Thee

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby
Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh
I need Thee O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now my Saviour I come to Thee


I need thee every hour in joy or pain
come quickly and abide O life is vain
I need Thee O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O Bless me now my Saviour I come to Thee

I need Thee every hour teach me Thy will
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill
I need Thee O I need Thee
every hour I need Thee
O bless me now my Saviour I come to Thee

I need Thee every hour Most Holy One
O make me Thine indeed Thou Blessed Son
I need thee O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now my Saviour I come to Thee

-Annie S. Hawkins 1872

Revival

My parents were asked to do the praise and worship at some meetings over the weekend. Of course, Miss Curiosity tagged along. I just couldn't stand not knowing what I was or was not missing. The speaker was pretty good. His messages were uplifting, although they didn't present any new thoughts or anything. His delivery style was definatly old time firey. Overall, I'd have to say I enjoyed it. He is one of the few speakers I've heard in a long, long time that didn't leave me with the impression he thought he was so much more high and holy than I. That in itself was very refreshing. He freely admitted his speach wasn't eloquent and his musical skills aren't much. What he lacked in those areas he made up for in sincerity. I would say the overall theme for the past 4 nights has been (even though he had different sermons each night) Jesus is coming, prepare the way. It was really confirmation of what I have been feeling lately.

Jesus is coming. I believe the time is short. We need to be about our Father's business.

Silence

...Speaks better than a thousand well planned words.

Your love is like...

...the ocean.

I'm drowning in your presence.

Getting lost in the gaze of your eyes.

Getting lost in the warmth of your smile.

It Is Well With My Soul

When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials come
Let this blessed assurance control
That Christ hast regarded my helpless estate
And has shed His own blood for my soul

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but in whole
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper thy peace to my soul

But Lord is for Thee, for Thy coming we wait
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well,with my soul
It is well, with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

-Horatio D Spafford, 1873

You may be surprised to learn...

...that I am at a heart rather 'hippy-ish.' Not in the free love, pass the drugs sort of way. More in the make it yourself, back to nature, anti-mainstream sort of way. I've always had a love for tie-dye and long (well groomed and maintained) hair. Blame it on a song. I love the yogurt making, goat milking, backyard farming ideals of my youth. My parents had quite a few friends that were like that. It rubbed off on me I guess.

I've become more sustainable minded in the past few years. It's a drive that grows stronger by the day. It may be partially because it's the hot button issue of today but I don't think so. I've been buying organic ever since I've had the buying power to do it. (We're talking over 11 years.) I've always been on the crunchy side of life. If I can make it myself, I do. If I can grow it myself I do, and if I can't I buy it from a source (preferably locally) that would do it like I would if I could. I only see a doctor when I have a problem I'm sure I can't fix myself. I have always been pro-earth (in the be a good steward way, not in the Mother Earth goddess kind of way.) I have always been one that turns the water off when I brush my teeth, between rinsing and washing the dishes, and 'save a flush' at night. Yup. I'm a little green. I could, of course, go greener. I still buy shampoo and soap and wear some synthetic clothing. I use paper plates. That's the one I feel guilty about. It's my secret vice. I hate to wash dishes. Hate it. But I buy non-petroleum based dish soap, so I guess I see it as give a little, take a little. Call me kooky, but it's me.

Research

My brain is getting hungry for knowledge. I need to learn something new. I've been thinking more and more about natural living and with that in mind I turned to the internet. There is just too much out there. It's hard to know where to start. A quick search of natural living produced 506 million results. Straw bale buildings produced a "mere" 538,000. Maybe I'll start there.

I find blogs are interesting way to gain new ideas and everyday first hand accounts of how people walk out their beliefs or lifestyles. It was by pure accident I ran across my first blog. I was searching for modest swimsuits and ran across a blog of a woman with pictures of her in her modest dresses. It was a blogpost. I read it, liked it, and kept reading. Slowly a few more blogs made it onto the scene and opened up a world of new ideas for me. How else would I have learned about Nourishing Traditions and purposful frugal living? It's after I've read about an idea that I am able to turn to the web and search it our a little more for myself.

Have any good blog recomendations? I'm always up for a new idea.

Musings from the freezer

Today I finished packing the last of our meat that we purchased from the local farmer. I wrapped 22 packages of bacon. Yeah, 22. Isn't that ridiculous? We don't usually eat much bacon. Now I'll have enough to eat it as often as we want. To be fair, the serving sizes I wrapped it in weren't quite a pound. I don't have a scale, but there were 8-10 large (wide slices) per package. They aren't those perfect rectangular pieces you're used to seeing from the grocery store. My mom and dad had picked up the hams and bacon so they went ahead and wrapped the hams for me. I got 2 hams, and 12 thick ham slices. I feel so satisfied knowing it's all tucked safely away in our freezer. It's a veritable cornucopia in there right now.

Now that the meat is all sliced, delivered, packaged and frozen I wanted to take inventory of exactly what we have in there. I emptied everything out (took advantage of the cold weather). When I finally got to the bottom of my freezer I was amazed at just how much fit inside. I bent and stretched to reach the things on the very bottom. Then that familiar problem came back. How was I ever going wipe out the bottom? (it's not worth mentioning why it needed wiped.) I made a tally of every cut of meat or package of food. I have this insane need to be organized-right down to what I have in the freezer. Both sides of my notebook paper is filled and I even left the large cuts of meat at my mom and dad's. We usually get together for the big meals there. There is no way we three girls are going to eat a 6-8 pound roast. It's just not going to happen. Also, we packed most of the steaks into their freezer. It's much more fun to eat this kind of treat with others. We took my grill down there last summer too and I don't really like steak unless it's grilled. They don't have one because they're scared of the gas (to be fair we had a tank that nearly exploded one time. That was the end of gas grills for them.) They only use it when I'm there to fire it up. Looks like this summer we'll have lots of steaks after our long days of swimming.

So what's the grand total for freezer storage right now?

36 assorted cuts of pork chops
12 delmonico steaks (with all the sirloin, and t-bones and more delmonicos at my parents)
27 (1lb)packages of ground beef
16 (1lb) packages of ground pork
3 rashers of sweet italian sausage
4 small pork loin roasts
2 small beef roasts
1 (gallon sized) bag of Philly steaks
14 portions of stirfry/thin sliced meat
1 gallon sized bag of meat to make beef jerky
22 (1lb-is) rashers of bacon
2 hams
12 ham slices
1 whole chicken
6 chicken breasts
3 portions of beef stew meat
3 lbs pork 'necks' (great for soup)
6 beef rib portions
4 large pork rib portions

Plus frozen veggies, frozen fruit, coolwhip, fish filets, frozen chinese specialty foods, peking ducks, 8 boxes of girlscout cookies (i had to help her out), cheese, and butter. I won't be able to fit much more. I want to make up some bread dough that we can bake on demand. It can be turned into rolls, bread, or pizza crust. I'm so pleased.

Of sleeping children, squeaky hair, and a day's resolution.

It's morning again here at the factory. We have co-op today. I should be getting the children dressed and fed and ready to go out the door. I should be but I'm not. I'm just not ready for that yet. Instead, I'm enjoying the feel of the air swirling around my freshly scrubbed skin and the pull of the towel wrapped tightly around my dripping hair. I'm taking a minute to enjoy these small things life hands me. Oh what contentment such small luxuries can bring. All too soon I'll have to put the rest of my clothes on, take down my hair from its neat little bundle and wrestle with the abundant locks. First I'm going to enjoy this moment of solitude. The ticking of the clock, the whir the fan from the cpu, a faint dripping of water, and the clicking of the keys across the keyboard. I'm going to enjoy today. I'm going to live as if things were right. I'm going to paint on a smile, brighten my voice, and shower my friends with some love. I'm going to take in each moment and view them as a gift from God. Today, I will not allow those thoughts to hurt me. Today I will live as one who loves and is loved. Perhaps I can hold back the night time with my smiles. Perhaps tonight she won't feel so lonely and dark. Today is going to be a good day.

Let the Sun Shine

Thankfully today is a sunny day. I don't think I could make it if it were gloomy. I'm IHOPing this morning for a bit. I really should be dressed and ready to go out the door. I'll have to boogey. 10yo has a dental appointment this morning. The last one in a series of four. It's nothing serious. Just a few pre-cavity type pits they wanna fill before they get bad. Anything in the name of dental health.

Kids are fighting...ugh. Already. "Mommy!!!! 10yo is cranky!!!" Who's the cranky one? Maybe they haven't noticed the sunshine yet. Here's hoping it warms them a bit too.

Unplugged.

I unplugged for a few days. No IM, no email, no blogposts, and no cellphone. I planned to just take the weekend and unwind a little. Instead it lasted a little longer. Today I charged the cellphone, checked my emails, and now am sitting down for a blogpost that I chewed on for a while today. What a busy day it was. I'll spare you the details but...

I woke up today from a few days of wondrous numbness. I was walking around asleep, unfeeling, and blissfully ignorant. What a welcome break.

It used to be the way I lived. Numb. Neither awake, nor asleep. Neither dead nor alive. Something stirred me to life. I'm not sure exactly when. I think it's happened several times over the past year or so. I would come to life for a while, and then slip back into unconsciousness. I welcome those states of limbo, although I didn't fully become aware of it until today. Today when I woke up from a much shorter one of those periods, I realized why I allow myself to slip away. To waken is to feel. To feel is to feel pain, to hurt, to feel disconnected, to realize I'm not alright.

I'm not alright. I wish I could go back to my state of blissful ignorance and stay there forever. When I awaken to life, my thoughts return. The words return. Words which I thought I loved so much, are now my enemy. They bubble and boil in my veins like a witches brew. Words trapped. No one to speak them to. Where is the one in whom I can confide such intimate thoughts? To whom can I pour it all out and unlock them from my mind? Thoughts too intimate to write. Words too sacred to spill out into nothingness.

I pray them. I pray them over and over. I wonder if He ever gets tired of my thoughts. The same thoughts swirling and swirling like dust caught in a wind storm. I think it is He, in His mercy who allows me to go so numb. To live neither happy or sad. Neither content nor discontent. He lifts it off my shoulders so I can breath another day. He helps me go through the motions of mother, daughter and friend. He helps me as I wash another dish, fold another load of laundry, or wash another body. It is He who allows me to see I'm not alright. He shows me my human condition and then mercifully puts me back into the trance so I can walk on another day while He works silently on it all. I put my hope in Him. He carries me.

I worry in sharing even this much of my thoughts someone may think I've gone mental. I've not. I'm just truthful. I see who I am. At times it has been such an ugly revelation and yet in that revelation comes growth and change. It's hard after such a revelation to go back to writing about smaller things. Once Pandora's box is opened, it's very difficult to close it again.

Warmed Over

Oh my word, do I feel weird this morning. Well, I can hardly call it morning, it's nearly noon and my brain is still in a fog. I feel a little like death warmed over. My eyes are blurry, my head is spinning, and when I breath it feels like it requires more effort than it's worth. I slept hard last night. And the strange wacky dreams. I don't remember waking up once. Even this morning when 4 yo old woke up and laid beside me giggling and trying to tickle me. I barely was awake enough to say to her, quit it I'm asleep. I guess it's the touch of cold mixed with the medicine? Whatever it is, I don't like it. I need to get my body and brain in gear and get out of this house. My one goal for the day is to get out of this house and enjoy myself somewhere.