Same Old Me

I had a good chuckle and a fits of nostalgia looking over my old blog posts last weekend. 10 years ago feels like a life time ago!! WOW!! I had a 4 year old that made me chuckle nearly every single day of my life. I had a 9 year old that was funny, and thoughtful, and imaginative. I was married to an immigrant man that fought me tooth and nail every. chance. he could---No exaggeration. My life was big and wonderful and funny and yet full of so many secrets. I see those secrets peeking out through the pages of the blog. I see a young mom trying to find a voice, needing to express herself, and reaching out into the world wide web full of endless possibilities, knowing she was reaching next to no one with her voice, and yet she wrote on. Fast forward 10 years and I am still a mom of a now nearly 14 year old that still makes me chuckle, but not nearly so much. Life had a way of knocking a lot of wide eyed innocent funniness right out of her. But she's still in there, that smiling, 4 year old ready to cheer me on for the smallest accomplishments. I'm still the mom of a nearly 19 year old. She's smarter than I realized back then, she's quicker witted, sarcastically funny, but with that sarcasm comes that bitter pill of life. Thankfully, 10 years years later I am no longer married to an immigrant that fights me at every turn. Praise the Lord, for His mercies! I am no longer that man's wife. Okay, judge me if you want. I can only tell you that his leaving us was the best thing that could have happened given the situation. I was solidly determined to be married to him until death parted us. I believed in that promise of forever no matter how difficult it was. I was shocked, and unglued, and distraught when he left, but I could finally breath again. Our life was not ideal-- we faced many challenges and struggled and scraped out a meager existence. But the story doesn't end there. MY LIFE DIDN'T END WITH DIVORCE. Quite the contrary. That divorce was a second chance at life. Real life. And Life ABUNDANTLY! I am remarried to the most thoughtful and considerate man I have ever met. Three years after our wedding and it still feels like a honeymoon nearly every day of our life. He is an answer to prayers that I was often to timid to express. He is stable, and strong, and he has a way of loving the three of us right through the bruises and scars left in Life's wake. He still makes my tummy flutter when I think of him. After three years, I still count down the hours until he gets home from work. Three years in and I love him better in the today than I did the yesterday before. Not only did I marry the best man I could have ever imagined, I am now the full time mother and teacher to his children. That road has been full of challenges, full of tears, and full of frustrations. That road is one that I started down with wide eyed enthusiasm and optimism. That road had riddled with traps and pitfalls and pain and more tears than I ever thought possible to shed over children I did not carry in my own body. That road, the road of Step Mother-- or Step Monster as another has so more cleverly dubbed it-- is the road that continues to refine me. It continues to show me how short I fall. It is the road that reminds me that I need His Daily Grace. Its full of challenges and victories and it is transforming into a new mom every day. In all these years I have found my voice. I've spoken about things long latent and covered over with layer after layer of secrets and shame. I have stepped into a level of boldness and fearlessness. I know who I am. My past does not define me. No more secrets, no more shame, no more covering up! Here I am again, staring at a blinking cursor, typing and typing. I don't know what kind of blog I want to write. I don't know what audience I want to reach. I am not going to mimic every other succesful blogger. No. I'm just going to write. I'm going to write about cooking and kids and husbands and allergies and spring time and Faith any other thing that just happens. I'm still in the child assembly business. Welcome to the Factory.

Testing, testing....

One, two,three... FOUR years!!! What?! It's been 4 years since I've written anything on these pages. WOH. Life is so much the same and so very, very different. I just don't even know where to start. New homes, new husband, new children... Same. Old. Me.

Hello!!

My how time flies! I'd like to add the "when you're having fun" part of that, but unfortunately there was a reason for the very long absence at this blog. Divorce. It's a big ugly word...and it happened to me. After a long time, I think I am finally healed up, or mostly healed anyway, and ready to just be me again. No one can ever prepare you for how difficult walking down that road is. It doesn't matter how much one knows that the Lord will sustain or that He hears every prayer. It hurts. It's dark. And it's lonely. I'm so thankful to be on the other side of it now! I'm ready for whatever life brings my way! Hello! mercies that are new every morning, steadfast love that never ceases, and grace that is enough for even me!! I can't totally blame my absence on a divorce though. Facebook. It's such a time waster, and sometimes a great outlet for just sending out a rapid fire mini-blog type thought. OH! It feels good to be writing again. I realize the 1 or 2 readers I had have probably moved on to other pastures, most likely twitter and facebook, but just seeing the words appear on the page is enough for me! That's the best reason for writing that I know!

Advent 12.1 Come Jesus

Day 3 of our advent reading did not disappoint. Once again we return to the Creation story, to the saddest part of possibly the whole Bible as Ann says, The Fall.

And yet even in our sin. Even in our desire to hide and cover up God is gracious to us. He didn't thunder down from heaven at the moment we entered into sin. No. He came quietly calling for us in the cool of the day. "Where are you?"

Oh, how He love us!

Advent

We are reading through Ann Voskamp's Jesse Tree devotional for the first time this year. In years past I've wanted to make a Jesse Tree but missed the first few days and being the perfectionist that I am thought it wasn't "right" if we didn't do it all.
I have not been disappointed. That Ann knows how to put into words the very feelings of my heart. There are very few times when her writing doesn't bring tears to my eyes.
Today's reading began at the beginning, where all good love stories start. In the beginning God created us, from nothing. I always love to start the story of Christ there too. I'm so glad Ann went this route!

This hymn, while not a "Christmas" hymn goes along great with our reading.

It's raining, it's pouring.....

I'm still wearing my galoshes. I've also added an inflatable raft.

Life has just not been treating me kindly these past few months. I won't go into detail other than to say it is highly personal and very familiar territory.

I was stepping out of the shower the other day and had been praying and said to the Lord something like:

"I don't understand why I keep going down this same path over and over and over again. Each time I think I've finally taken the right steps to continue on my journey and yet here I am, passing the same tree, noticing the same rocks and patches of weeds. When will I finally find the right path, learn this lesson, so that I may circle around another tree? Please, Lord, help me to learn what it is you want me to learn, act the way you want me to act, and to get off this rocky precipice."

I think what makes this so particularly hard is that much of the "battle" is out of my hands. I have so few choices. The ones I do have seem equally bad and here I am trying to choose the lesser of the evils. The problem is that I just can't be sure I'm choosing correctly. I read my Bible and pray and the only answer I seem to be getting is "wait. stand."

Just stand. It seems so simple to just stand but really is one of the most difficult things I've ever done.

~Standing still. Waiting on the Lord. Trusting that He will carry me through all these difficult days and place me in the ark of his love.~

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.
Put on the whole armor of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Wherefore take unto you the whole armor of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
-Ephesian 6:10-17

SCORE

We finally caught Mr. Mousie!!!! It took 5 nights of setting more and more traps,the little booger managed to extricate himself off a glue trap first, but WE GOT HIM!

That little dirty beggar was ridiculously hard to catch. In fact so much so that I had almost convinced myself that he had found his way out of the house until I saw all the fur he left behind on the glue trap. I am so pleased he is now DEAD.

12yo was my hero on Sunday. I couldn't even look at the trap much less take it out. I thought I was going to have to knock on one of the neighbors' door and ask one of them to dispose of it, but she finally looked at me bravely and said she thought she could do it. She wrapped her arm in 3 shopping bags, turned her head and reached in.

I am so glad that ordeal is over. My nerves could not take it any longer. We had to spend 2 nights at my mom and dad's house.

That's the last I hope I ever have to deal with a mouse. At least for another 10 years!

EEEK

Here's a tip: Never leave your front door hanging open this time of year to air out cooking odors. We did Tuesday night and I happened to look over and see "something" run through the front door. I convinced myself that I was imagining things and put the kids to bed and waited up for my husband. When he got home he was relaxing in front of the computer to wind down before bed. I heard him say, "A mouse?!" Well, let’s just say there was crying, and jumping up on furniture, and lots of "kill it!!!!" exclamations. Finally my husband looks at me and says sharply, "It's just a mouse.”
Just a mouse? JUST a mouse? Oh I thought he knew me better than that! By this point the kids are u p, I'm in hysterical tears. Tired but can't go to sleep. My children had to walk me to the bathroom. Ya know..Just in "case."I'm trying to shove Isaac out the door to go buy traps to make sure it gets dead before morning. He wasn't really complying so I threw on my clothes and made a 3:30 am run to Wal-Mart-with my kids in tow, because by this point I had sufficiently freaked them out as well. By 4:30 the traps were set and I was finally in bed-in my kids room because my husband had seen the mouse try to run under our bedroom door. He scared it away and plugged up the bottom of the door, but the TERROR. I just could not get anywhere near that door.
It’s now Thursday morning. I have traps and glue traps and combo glue/snap traps set up all through my living room and kitchen. –Still no caught mouse. It was here FOR SURE yesterday morning because both girls saw it running around near my computer area. Maybe it found a way into the bedrooms despite the fact that my husband nailed thick pieces of foam under the door jams. (okay, maybe he understands the depths of my terror a little bit.) MAYBE it found a way out yesterday while we were running around with hubby like he says. MAYBE. But just to be safe…I’m buying so me more traps!
My only problem is what I’m going to do if I catch it…who’s gonna take it out of my house because you know where I’ll be?
Standing in the bathtub, waiting for the coast to be clear!

When it rains...

Sometimes life is bright and sunny other days it seems to be a little cloudy. Sometimes it pours buckets.

I have been wearing my galoshes!

Death is never a good thing. 2 deaths in one week is just terrible. 2 vehicles breaking down in the midst of it all is just plain mean.

And all that meanness makes me feel mean right back. It must be the way I grieve sometimes. I just haven't felt like coddling people (including my poor, equally grumpy husband). There is nothing I would like more than to spend a few days with "my peeps" but I have found that maybe those "peeps" really aren't the peeps I thought they were. None of my friends have called to see how we're doing. One emailed and said they knew they should call, but then never followed through.

I'm either really too sensitive right now, or else finally seeing clearly. I really thought my friends would in some way rally round and find out how we were. Instead, I got a canceled play date, via email, and an a quick email about feeling the need to call but not doing it. I just don't feel in the mood to chase people down and make then care about me.

So here's the memo people....It's not my job to make you care. It's not my job to chase you down and make you be friends with me. It's not my job to do your job!

And here's the other memo, grumpy person who shall remain "nameless:" The a/c going out in a car is not a life crisis that requires the immediate purchase of a newer vehicle to make you feel better!!!

Until next time, when the sun is once again shining....

Do you think it's possible...

..to die from embarassment? If so then it's a good thing I know I am right with the Lord!

I have this slight problem with perfectionism, and if I can't do something perfectly I don't want to do it at all. And if I do something right, but everybody else doesn't and I look like I messed up, then it's even worse.

Lets just say I am having one of those moments that I may never allow myself to live down, but that has probably already been forgotten by everyone else!

Bruised knees heal. Bruised pride festers. Learning to love self is the hardest lesson of all. Teach me Lord!